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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in deadthyme's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, February 5th, 2019
4:13 am
Our Story Pt 4 (A Year's Reflection)
(driven together)

It was a year ago today that my Naomi first messaged me.
It's been quite a year. It's interesting to think about these things, to look back and see events with the knowledge of what was to come. On this day a year ago, just like any day at the time, I had no idea that I had just met my soulmate. How could I?
Life was slipping by, as I halfheartedly trudged along partially numb and partially raw from both recent and distant events. I had been numb enough for so long that I didn't realize how numb I actually was. That probably made things better for me at the time; I'm sure of it. If you had told me what was happening, and what was about to happen, I wouldn't have believed you. I was convinced that I would be alone, with the exception of a colorful assortment of loving cats, until the end. But the universe had other ideas...
I don't know what I did to deserve such charity from life, but I'm very thankful for it. Sometimes I look back on the events of those early days, when we first met and began falling in love and denying to ourselves we were falling in love and finally accepting it with joy and happiness. I look back on the series of events and actions and words and think about all the things that had to happen just perfectly to bring us together and encourage us to realize who we were to each other. So many co-incidences and things that lined up perfectly, sometimes it gives me anxiety to think of how close and how easy it would have been for one little thing to make us miss each other.
But that didn't happen.
So here we are, to be married in just over 3 months, still talking every day and night. Still looking forward to talking to each other every night. Still disgustingly gushy for each other.
She pointed out to me recently that we have talked every day for a year- that's pretty amazing. Especially since she has always gotten very sick of guys within a fairly short amount of time.
Why is she not sick of me? I don't know. I'm just incredibly happy she is not.
Since last I wrote, we have visited each other three times- I went and saw her in Toronto for the first time in early October for Canada Thanksgiving. I must admit celebrating Thanksgiving in October threw me off quite a bit, and it took me awhile to get into the Hallowe'en spirit after that. This was a weird year for the holidays all around (More on that in a bit).
So my October routine was thrown off, but that was ok because I was spending time with my baby. I had to fly to go see her. I did not like flying much at all when I was with Krystal, and I discovered that I still don't like it now. But I only flew to New York, and she drove to come and get me from there because it was cheaper to do it that way. We went through Niagra Falls, which is much more of a tourist trap than I thought it would be. We ate at a tourist trappy restaurant there, which was kitschy and a bit fun and charming, but you know I would have liked eating in a barn since I got to sit across from her and talk to her while we ate. The food was ok- I should have gotten something different. For some reason I got chicken fried steak, which is really a mediocre meal that I have to be in the mood for, but it sounded good at the time. Niagra Falls was bright and gaudy and loud and looked like it might be fun to mess around in a bit, but we really wanted to get to her house.
I like riding in the car with her, whether I'm driving or she is. I guess I just like spending time with her doing most anything.
I like to I got to see her house in real life, instead of just in pictures and videos. It's a very nice house filled with books and music and things I like.
I also got to meet her son and his Dad that night. I think his Dad was kind of uncomfortable to meet me, but he was pleasant enough. Her son is very friendly and we got along well the whole time.
I was there for over 10 days- the longest amount of time we've spent together up to then (or since) and it still went by way too fast. She took me to work with her one day and I walked around Toronto while she worked. I came away with several impressions of the city: the food there is mediocre at best (tho I believe I didn't eat at the right places- I know they have to have better food at other restaurants) and expensive. The people are self important and testy. I got into it with one guy who was being a dick to a service worker, but he backed off pretty fast. The city seems easy to navigate. I got kind of lost at one point in a ritzy residential area and found my way out and back to her work building pretty easy. I've heard good things about the music scene but I didn't really experience that side of it, except to visit a record store that was very cool (tho a bit expensive). They had a great punk 'zine collection including a huge stack of old MaximumRockNRolls, some old enough that they had my column I did in the 90s in them. The only really bad thing about it was that they didn't carry cds (hipsters and elitists only buy records and cassettes).
I also got to meet Naomi's Mom. I was pretty nervous about that, but she seemed to accept me very fast. She even seemed happy when we told her we were getting married. We took her to a Tim Horton's and sprung the news on her there. She said she was happy she wouldn't have to worry about Naomi as much anymore.
We met her friends Jason and Jeanette at a pub and had a good talk with them. Jason seemed very good-natured and easy going, and Jeanette seemed a bit grumpy. Naomi assured me she is usually like that and it wasn't because of me. I also met her friend Column who she had told me a lot about (and who had friended me on Facebook a while back). We also met him at a Tim Horton's, where I had a bad sandwich. I made a better sandwich as a 10 year old kid.
She took me to a horror themed coffee house that was pretty cool, and A & W fast food restaurant. We used to have them here but they closed down. I like A & W root beer a lot but they do something different to it up there that makes it taste kind of off. I didn't like it much. We also ate at one of their favorite pizza places. The pizza seemed like it would have been very good, except she got broccoli on it which tainted the flavor with that musky broccoli flavor and overpowered the flavor of the meat and cheese.
We visited the lakeside, which was nice. My shoes were not good for walking on beachlike sand, but I enjoyed sitting on the shore and watching the seagulls. It was up against a cliff, and I've always liked cliffs (as long as I'm not looking off the edge of them).
We had Thanksgiving dinner with her son and his Dad. She made chestnut stuffing which I've never had before, plus the usual Thanksgiving food. We told her ex that we were getting married, and he seemed to be expecting it. I think there's a chance he read it on one of her social media posts. He did seem surprised we had already picked a date. And she made me a chocolate merangue pie, which is my fav kind of pie, and it was delicious.
We also went and walked around a forest together. We went to a stream and all the fish were dead and dying- it was spawning time and the sides of the stream was littered with dead fish. We cuddled up and watched "The Babadook" and "Cemetery Man" since it was October and I have to get a quota of scary movies in that month.
But all too soon it was time for me to come home.
The good thing about flying to see her is that I have something to look forward to when I get to my destination. When I fly home, there is no such reward waiting for me at the end of the trip. This time I evidently freaked a middle-aged woman out on the plane who didn't want to sit by me. When she saw me heading for my seat (which was next to hers) she panicked and started calling for a man. "Steeeeve!" she bleated. "Steve I don't want to sit here- trade seats with me".
He did, and so I had the pleasure of riding next to a guy who was close with a woman who panicked at the thought of sitting next to me. That's why it's better when Naomi comes to visit me- not only is she short so she's more comfortable, she's also beautiful, so people aren't repulsed at the thought of sitting by her.
I've gotten to where I miss her terribly when we are apart for a while- I used to miss her a lot, but it's just gotten worse over the months. One huge thing I miss when we are apart, almost more than anything, is sleeping with her. I've never been comfortable sleeping with other people- friends when I was kid and would spend the night with other kids, visiting relatives, significant others- no one. It always took me a long time to get used to sleeping in a bed with someone when they would move in with me, and I was never totally comfortable with it. But I am totally happy and at ease sleeping with Naomi, and I miss her beside me when she is not here.

Hallowe'en was a little off this year- it took me a bit to get into the feel of it. I did go to the Renaissance Festival, which I always love. Naomi was coming back at Thanksgiving, and we planned to go together, so I had fun thinking of and planning all the things I wanted to show her while I walked around this time. I went and saw the new "Halloween" movie, which was pretty good. Probably the best one since part 2. They had a lot of great nods and Easter eggs to the older ones, tho they mostly weren't overt or distracting. Just some nice touches. There was one part I thought was kind of stupid (dealing with a third act character left turn), but it didn't make me dislike the movie.

I was really looking forward to Naomi coming down and sharing our Thanksgiving with us. I pictured us all sitting down to have our traditional Thanksgiving meal and seeing what she thought of it- we always have turkey, my Grandmom's cornbread dressing (best dressing I've ever had- I don't even like most dressing that much), mashed potatoes and gravy, corn, sometimes ham, and dinner rolls. I don't eat cranberry sauce but we usually have it (Naomi was going to make her cranberry sauce, which I tried when I was at her Thanksgiving and liked ok).
I also was looking forward to taking her to #'s (the club I've gone to my whole life) and to the Renaissance Festival. I pictured us going to a couple of the shows there, maybe watching the belly dancers, having a nice walk while holding hands around the art trail, watching Cast In Bronze perform (since she loves music and non- traditional instruments and stuff in particular) and eating lots of food, looking in a bunch of shops, etc. I knew how much she likes live music and she liked the country band that opened for dead horse when she was down in August so I knew she would love the concert on the pirate ship at the end with the fiddle player and the upright bass player and guitars and the fun Irish-esque drinking songs. And then the fire dancers and the fireworks to end the night- I imagined in my head how special and fun and awesome and romantic a day we were going to have.
On the way to pick her up from the airport there was bad traffic, and I got sick and started throwing up. I rolled down my window and just spit it out the window because I was late because of the traffic. I got to the airport and unlike the other times she had visited, she was already there, so I didn't get to wait for her and watch her walk to me and hold her. It was kind of a frantic meeting because we were both a little worked up.
The rest of the day was nice, and the next day I took her to a local independent Italian restaurant which she liked a lot (she was impressed with the wood paneling).
The day before Naomi came my Mom had to go to the hospital because of gall stones, and the doctor would not let her delay it until after Thanksgiving. I had to work the night before Thanksgiving into early Thanksgiving morning, and I got sick at work and had to come home early.
Naomi heard me come in and rustle with the cat food and thought it was the cats making a mess and came out of my room with a vengeance. When she saw it was me she was very happy, but my Mom was not getting out of the hospital. My plans of showing her our nice family Thanksgiving traditions evaporated like a dream upon waking.
Then I was sick all day- very sick. Puking and diarrhea and even a little bit of fever. I slept most of the day.
The only good that came out of that was that Naomi got to clean out my ex's old office and make it hers. It feels nice for her to have a room here, and I know she enjoyed making herself a nest in my house.
We went to #'s but it was a theme night, the theme being Depeche Mode. Now I do like Depeche Mode ok, but Naomi does not so that messed up my idea of showing her my club (even if she did like DM I still wanted her to be there on a regular night to experience the usual crowd and music). She did dance to one song so that made me happy. I was going to take her to this cheese and wine store before #'s because it was something I figured she'd be into, but it turns out they are the only store in North America closed on Black Friday.
The next day we went to the Renaissance Festival. I guess maybe we should have went on Sunday because it was too crowded on Saturday (which was the last Saturday of the festival). We get there around the same time I usually get there- between 1 and 2 (I meant to get there earlier but traffic was worse than I have ever seen it before) but I forgot how much earlier the days end compared to when I usually go in October, so it got dark about 2 hours earlier than I'm used to, so we didn't get to do even half of what I wanted to do.
The best thing we did was see the Birds of Prey show. I always love that show and she seemed to enjoy it. But she was in a bad mood and kind of surly for a bunch of the day because I was going too fast for her and she was hungry when we first got there and she didn't get to eat for a while, then she was thirsty, then I made her see where I had gotten married before, and her elf headband was giving her a headache. Then she hated the pirate ship concert I thought she would love because it was too crowded and the music bothered her.
Then my Mom was calling and saying she had been released from the hospital and needed a ride home, but we went ahead and stayed for the fireworks (it was too crowded to watch the fire dancers) which Naomi was underwhelmed by (evidently she lived somewhere where they had some really good fireworks she could see from her apartment when she was younger).
So Thanksgiving was ruined and I was sick, #'s was substandard, and the RenFest was a bust. Everything I had been looking forward to and fantasizing about how wonderful and amazing it would be crashed and burned.
Still, we got to be together, and sleep together, and do other things together, so that was very nice. And she got to take care of me when I was sick, which for some reason she seemed to like doing, and make a space for herself in my house, and drive my car. So the trip wasn't awful, just a lot of VERY disappointing things happened. I guess you can't win them all.

The Christmas season was much better than last year- I was in a lot better spirits, of course, and when Naomi was here she found my old Christmas lights which I love and plugged them in and they worked. She also got me a tree ornament that has a puzzle piece that says "ever" on it (she has the other one, that says "for").
Christmas was fairly average, but after last year's awful in most every way Christmas, average seemed very nice.
My cousin Travis came down again this year (he skipped last year) and we went and ate at Saltgrass Steak House, which I don't like much at all but was one of the only places open on Christmas.
The big news is that Naomi got a cat for Christmas for her son. When I was up there in October I told her that she had a nice house, but it just needed a cat to be perfect, and she's been thinking about getting him one. The main problem is that her Mom is allergic to them, so she couldn't come visit if they got one, but her son loves cats and has been feeling lonely lately so they went to Petsmart and a very nice Tuxedo cat took to her son immediately. They adopted him and named him Ninja, and they love him so much. Naomi told me she can't imagine life without him now (and they've only had him a couple of months). he's become a real part of the family.
I got a bunch of dvds for Christmas including "Deadpool 2" and the newest season of MST3K with the new cast. I was sad that Naomi and I couldn't be together for Christmas and New Year's, but maybe we'll be together for all of the future ones (I hope).
I had to work at 1 AM New Year's Morning, so I just had a little time to celebrate with her on video call before I had to go to work.
Naomi did not know about the tradition of eating black-eyed peas on New Year's Day for luck, but she adopted it and embraced it, so hopefully she'll have even better luck this year.
One of her Christmas presents I got her (besides the Gatchaman bust she drooled over at the comic book store we went to on her second visit here) was a plane ticket to come see me on January 17th to the 22nd. I wanted her to stay longer but she couldn't take off more time from work.
This time her plane was early so she was sitting down waiting for me at the airport when I came in. I decided I should get there at least 30 minutes early in the future because I really liked her first two trips watching her come out and meeting her, holding her, etc.
We were supposed to do a bit of wedding planning stuff while she was here, but didn't get that much done. The main thing we accomplished was finding a suitable flower store for her bouquet. I took her to a newer Tex Mex restaurant called Gringos after I picked her up from the airport and she got the chicken plate, which she liked a lot. I also took her to my Chili's I always go to.
And we finally got to go to #'s on a regular night. She seemed to like watching the videos on the screens a lot, and danced to several songs. A couple of times she seemed to really get into it and danced and sang to me which was very hot- one of my fav memories and got me going. And we made out quite a bit. I've never really made out with anyone at that club (or at any club) but I'm so comfortable with her it just came naturally. I love the feel of her against me and her kisses are perfect. Did I mention how much I loved her dancing? It was a good night.
Afterwards we went to House of Pies and she got an egg custard pie that she really loved a lot- she said it tasted just like how her Mom made them. I was so happy she got that little nostalgicgift so far from home.
We both had to work some while she was here, and one day she went to the movies and out to eat with my Mom- they saw "Green Book", which they both loved.
Monday we watched "The Frighteners" together which she thought was cute, and once again all too soon it was time for her to go.
Each time I'm at the airport, I always contemplate how that one place can be my happy place, and also such a sad place for me. When I watch her walk away from me into the terminal and my heart is hurting, I always think of how incredibly happy I was just days before when I was standing in that same spot (or close to it). As I slowly walk out through the room past the Starbucks or the cow statue, I think about how each of those sites and places filled me with joy and anticipation just a week or so before, and how I feel so forlorn and missing an important part of me that had to leave then. Maybe I'm just weird, but those kinds of thoughts go through my head a lot.
That night her layover flight in Detroit was shut down because of weather and she had to stay in the airport all night. She made the best of it and made some new friends, and said it was a much better experience than it really should have been.

I'm going back up there to see her in 21 days, and I miss her so much. The week or so we're together goes by in a flash, and the month or so we are apart drags on forever.

I did something to my 2 middle toes on my right foot the other night- I'm not sure if I kicked the bed post or what, but they are skinned up and sore. I am a little worried about them just because I am kind of shell shocked from my toe incident in 2016. They seem to be healing up very slowly, but the toes around them are getting blisters which is what happened last time, and I got a rash on my leg above my ankle- signs of an immune system fighting too hard and being overtaxed. Hopefully they will get better- I know the boots I have to wear to work are bad for them, but there's nothing I can do about it.
We have been doing a lot of wedding planning and just sent out the invitations. I don't know how many people are going to show up- we're having receptions in both Texas and Ontario. Down here it could be any number of people- 3 or 30.
I am so happy she is getting excited about the wedding. And I can't wait to be her husband. We have a ton more things to do to get ready, but we're getting closer and closer. We still don't know who is going to move where, but no matter what it will be so nice to be with her every day. Hopefully she can stand me that much.
Last year at this time I had just met her, and now I can't imagine living without her. Life is weird with it's twists and turns.
Wednesday, September 5th, 2018
11:11 pm
Our story Pt 3 (deeper)
(Inside)

beside you
I find my balance
against you
I find my peace
without you
I find my longing
inside you
I am complete

Today is our 6 month anniversary (officially- we actually pledged ourselves to each other earlier and outed ourselves on this date). Anniversaries and dates have always been kind of a minor obsession with me. I am quite a bit more sentimental than I'd like to admit, and dates and places have more meaning to me than they might should.
So I am writing this on our anniversary, even tho the events depicted in it happened over a week ago...

As with my past entries about my love Naomi, be warned that this is gushy, lovey dovey, puke inducing, TMI and completely uncool. But it's much better to be real than cool (and even better to be happy). So if this sort of thing makes your cynicism flood you with nausea (as it used to do me) then this is fair warning- you might want to pass this one up.
Go read one of my older entries- they are full of sarcasm, depression, piss and vinegar. You'll love them.

Two weeks ago I was happily anticipating heading to the airport the next day to pick her up for her second visit.
After our last, too short time together, plans were made for me to come up and see my betrothed Naomi. It was decided that it would be a good idea for us to be together on her (Canadian) Thanksgiving (Oct 8).
That would be 5 months before we got to be together again, and we were feeling very lonely for each other. I asked her if it would be possible for her to come down again before then, since she only got to stay for 3 days last time, and she readily agreed. So I got her plane tickets to visit again from Aug 23 to Aug 28. As the time got closer and closer we got more and more impatient to touch each other, hold each other, love each other. We talk every night, and enjoy each others company- sharing rants, venting, intimate moments, humorous stories, geeky information, play arguments, musical trivia, naughty talk, and lots of love, but there is nothing like the touch of someone you are in love with. Even just laying your hand gently on their shoulder or thigh is deeply satisfying, and too many take such things for granted.

Her plane was scheduled to arrive a little later than last time (around 3 PM) and I was waiting for her outside the terminal when she snuck up on me. She seemed mildly perturbed that I didn't notice her (I was kind of staring into space daydreaming because the last time after her plane landed it took about 20 minutes for her to get to me- this time she was there in around 9. Our first meeting in person in the airport last May was the perfect meeting, exactly what we needed. This one was a little distracted. However it turned sweet very fast as I held her against me and we kissed. Her lips felt every bit as perfect as they did the very first time we kissed in that same terminal, tho on the other side, just 3 months prior).
Holding her hand again felt so good as we left the airport and drove back to my city.
I had promised to take her out for cheeseburgers first thing, so we went to a local independent burger joint I liked and stared at each other and visited over burgers and fries. She got a 1/3rd pound cheeseburger- my girl may be small but she ain't no lightweight.

Then I brought her back home, where we sat and talked for awhile before sliding into bed together. Last time she pulled off her dress almost immediately, but this time she seemed hesitant to remove her clothes, almost as if she didn't want to move forward from that moment- to prolong the the sweet anticipation before our bodies moved against each other, flesh to flesh. Or maybe she just wanted me to take them off for her. At any rate, we kissed and loved for awhile before any clothing hit the floor, and it was very nice. We fit together like puzzle pieces, both physically and relationship-wise, so holding her is always perfect and she wraps herself around me like a glove.
We didn't get out of bed until past noon the next day. We were starving for each other, and couldn't stop touching and loving and cuddling and everything else that lovers do.

(We did sleep a little bit too).

The next day I had promised to take her to Houston since we didn't really get to go much the first time she was down. On the way I took her to the Macaroni Grill, one of my fav Italian restaurants, where she later told me she had the best meal of the trip- shrimp pasta and some wine (she said the shrimp and pasta were cooked perfectly). They give you crayons and you can draw on the tablecloth so she drew her Xmas tree and lollipop landscape. She says that's the only thing she can draw.
Then we headed into the city to find something to do. I took her to my favorite record store, where we browsed a bit and a friendly girl complimented me on my Sisters Of Mercy shirt and her on her brilliant hair. We browsed the punk and industrial sections and commented on various bands and records they had there- it makes me so happy to be with someone who can talk music with me so well.
I bought a Scream cd (first 2 albums on one cd) and then we headed to another record store I frequent.
There she met one of my associates from the Houston metal scene who came over and talked to us a bit. He is quite a character so she got to take in some local color. She found him quite amusing.
After that I took her to my fav comic book/ game shop, where she saw a Battle Of the Planets Zoltar bust that took her breath away, but she couldn't afford.
It's at this point that I should stop and mention that one of my fav things about her is her unapologetic excitement and intensity when it comes to things she is a fan of, whether it be DC comics and animated films, hockey, music, animation, cycling- whatever it is, her intensity always takes my breath away almost as much as her beauty. She literally gasped out loud when she saw the bust, and her excitement is always contagious.
We went and ate at a Greek restaurant called Niko Niko's, where she had some authentic Greek beer and Loukoumades (she had asked me if we had any places that served them here a couple of months ago, which is why I took her there). We had a good visit there, a lot of talk about regionalism and comparing Houston to Toronto. The two cities are pretty much the same size population-wise (close to 3 million each- Toronto is just a little bigger population wise) tho Houston is much bigger size wise (Toronto is around 243 miles while Houston is around 627 miles). So it was interesting to compare the cultures of our respective cities.
We went to the Half Price Books on Montrose and looked around a bit. That is my fav store to shop for books or dvds. She had told me in the past about a movie she loved- "Breakfast At Tiffany's". She actually wants to use the song from that movie (Moon River) to walk down the aisle to when we get married, so I knew it meant a lot to her. I don't know if that movie makes her think of me in some way, or she just considers it very romantic, however it has a strong meaning to her, and they had the dvd at the Half Price Books we went to. She really wanted to watch it with me, so she bought it.
I took her for a drive around the city, and to the ship channel because she had shown some interest in seeing it before (tho I went the wrong way so you couldn't see it that well, because we were on the wrong side of the road). I was stalling for time, because I wanted to take her to the club #'s for 80s night, and see her in her natural element- the dance floor. I've always liked to watch people dance, and I've been dying to see her dance for a long time now. I pretty much lived at #'s throughout the mid to late '90s, and have been going there since the '80s seeing shows and enjoying the music and watching people dance, and I have been wanting terribly to share that with her and watch her dance at a club that I grew up in, but it wasn't to be.
She developed a horrendous headache and didn't feel like going.
We went to Walgreens so she could get some headache medicine and a card for my Mom's birthday (and she bought me some medicated lip balm because I had screwed up my lips from going down on her all night and day. Totally worth it by the way- it's one of my fav thing to do with her) and then I took her to the House Of Pies, where she got a chocolate pecan pie and I got a chocolate meringue.
I was still planning on going to the club, however she easily convinced me not to by saying that she really just wanted to go home and cuddle and be with me. An idea I quite liked the sound of. She knows what motivates me.
I felt kind of lame because I took her to my city that's full of awesome things to do and mostly just took her to some record stores and stuff like that instead of showing her something cool and/ or unique about the city. She later remembered that there was a cycling event she wanted to attend, but had forgotten about. I really wished she had remembered it, but we still enjoyed each other's company and were together, which is what is important.
When we got back to my house, I laid her down and got a cool wash cloth to put on her head and ran my hand over her, rubbing her gently to help take her mind off of her headache. She was feeling a bit better after awhile, and asked if I wanted to watch the movie ("Breakfast At Tiffany's"). So we cuddled up and watched it. I had of course heard of it, but was never that interested in seeing it- I wasn't against seeing it, but tho I love old movies of all kinds, it was from the '60s, and I generally just am not a big fan of '60s movies. The atmosphere puts me off for some reason (except "The Abominable Dr Phibes"- I love that one, and it's '60s as fuck).
But I enjoyed this movie because it means something to her, and it was like seeing a little part of her- letting me a little more into her world. So I loved that, and it made me like the movie. And it was romantic so it made her cuddle and love on me even more than usual, which is a big bonus.
She cried her eyes out as I held her. She said she's seen it over 25 times and still cries at the same parts. This time she cried even more than usual, because she was overcome with emotions because of all the love and togetherness we had been sharing.
When we made love that night, the feeling of being inside of her- being surrounded by her and having her wrap her legs around me and pull herself up against me was so intense and loving and all consuming that I felt like my heart was going to explode. She is the best lover I've ever had, and the incredible intensity and passion that she lives her life with is magnified 1000 fold when we're being intimate.

The next morning I took her to the Cracker Barrel for breakfast (we don't have a Tiffany's). We had to wait to be seated and she sneakily took some pictures of me while she was pretending to look at her phone because she wanted to have more pics of me (I didn't know this at the time, but she showed me later).
She had hot tea with eggs and I had chicken and dumplings. I love taking her out to eat because we can just sit and eat together and talk about things. We truly enjoy each other's company. I've been with girlfriends who aren't easy to talk to, or who are not talkative and boring, and I've always said that if I could just find someone I can have a good conversation with, that would be a keeper. Someone I could spend the rest of my life with. It seems I have.
We came home and fell back into bed awhile, and even both slept some (which left her feeling kind of shitty- she's not good with naps). Then we went to my friend Dave's house because there was a concert that night we were all going to.
dead horse is one of those bands that almost made it- that really should have made it, if they hadn't imploded. They had put out 2 albums and were pretty huge in the Houston scene when they started getting national attention. Unfortunately, they had a bad falling out and their vocalist/ guitarist/ lyricist/ artist left the band, and they just didn't have the same level of charisma and originality without him. So they broke up in the mid 90s.
They reformed in 2013 or so with a different vocalist and tried to make a go of it, but it just wasn't the same, or anywhere near as good. So they called it quits, and that night was their last show.
So me, Naomi, my friend Dave, his girlfriend Sheri, and their friend Tim all piled into his truck and went down to see their last show. Tim is what you might call a bit of a redneck. I was mildly concerned that he might be too abrasive for Naomi, but she handled him fantastically. I should have known. My girl is amazing.
When we first got to the club, Naomi spied a guitar on the wall signed by one of her most favorite bands The Tragically Hip, and was very excited about that. It was pretty cool that she came all the way to Houston and got to see her fav Canadian band's guitar at a club here.
There were 5 bands playing before dead horse, including a country band with a stand up bass, mandolin, and banjo that Naomi loved. I was glad she got to see them.
dead horse did ok, however their guitarist Greg was very drunk and messed up a lot of songs (esp the first half of the show). But it was still a pretty damn good show, and I got to hold Naomi the whole time (which is kind of odd for me- I've never much been into pda before now, esp at concerts, but she seems to inspire these things in me, and seems to like it, so I'm happy to do it). She also got to meet several of my oldest friends, which always seems to thrill her.
On the way home she was surprised that they played Red Rider Lunatic Fringe on the radio. She was getting a lot of musical tastes of Canada while she was here. One thing about the U.S. that a lot of non-citizens are often surprised at is that, despite all of the flag waving and Nationalism and patriotism and pride, when it comes to music this country loves foreign bands and welcomes foreign music into the fold with open arms (and even more so in Texas). I know a lot of countries aren't like that, but the U.S. is very musically diverse and open minded, if not so much in other ways.

Sunday we went out to go for a walk at the Woodlands waterway (where we attempted to walk on her last visit, but it was raining). We walked along the waterway and up to the Pavilion. I also took her back to Baker's Street Pub where we ate on her first trip so she could have some tea and a little something to eat. After our walk I took her shopping at H-E-B and she got some food to make for my son and his family, which is where we were going that evening (along with my Mom). She was pretty excited about meeting him.
We stayed over at my son's apartment for a couple of hours and talked about music and other things, and she made rotisserie chicken Ceaser salad for all of us.
Then we came home and got ready to go to the radio station.
Naomi has said that going to the station with me is one of her most favorite things in the world, and having her there is one of my favorite things in the world. Getting to share some of my passion for music and DJing with her, and getting to slide over and give her a hug or a kiss during the show makes it even better. I played quite a few songs that referenced our time together this trip.
I also played the new Frontline Assembly, which she liked a lot (we listened to it on the way home), and afterwards we went to Katz's deli. She got Lox and toasted rye with cream cheese and I got a Kosher hot dog. Our waiter was agitated because his boyfriend was pissing him off.
After we got home and had a long nap we hung out for awhile and I brought her 2 kinds of Texas ice cream (vanilla and Black Walnut) I had bought for her to try while she was here. She looked so gorgeous sitting naked on my bed with a spoon eating out of the ice cream cartons. Later on I took her to Mod Pizza, which she enjoyed quite a bit. She piled her pizza high with all kinds of meats, veggies and cheese- she really got her moneys worth. She also had an Angry Orchard cider. Unfortunately my friend Cody wasn't working that night. I wanted her to meet him..
She wanted a Margarita, so I took her to Margaritas where she got a watermelon one and dessert (I got chips and queso).
She was a bit tipsy when I took her home- I've never seen her drunk or tipsy before. I gave her a back massage and we were both feeling bittersweet because she had to go home the next day. I don't know if it was because she was a little tipsy or because of the bittersweet feelings but we had a little terse moment of misunderstanding, which is always discouraging. But as with all of our misunderstandings, we talked it out and were better for it. We always seem to understand each other a little better after these things happen. Communication is important, and we are both pretty good at it.
We fell asleep in each others arms and then the next day I had to take her to the airport fairly early.
I want to mention at this point how incredibly beautiful she is- when she was about to get dressed to leave, and was standing in my room naked for the last time, her beauty just took my breath away (not for the first time).
Everyone has different standards of beauty, but she hits all of mine entirely. Her body is perfection-not too thin, not to thick. Just right. The absolute example of feminine beauty. I would love her just as much no matter what she looked like, but I simply cannot get enough of seeing her because of her perfection.
We stopped by Starbucks so she could get a hot Chai tea (no water), and listened to the new FLA some more on the way to the airport.
I parked and went in with her, but by the time we got there she only had a few minutes before she had to go. We spent the time taking some pics together, and then I stood and watched her walk off until I couldn't see her anymore, and then stood and watched some more (just like I did the last time).
Kind of bringing this post full circle, I mentioned at the start of it a little bit on how I am fascinated with anniversaries, time, events, and places. So as I stood in the same place that I had stood just 6 days earlier when I picked her up from the airport, and let the feelings of loneliness and sadness and separation anxiety flow over me. I thought about how the last time I had stood there I felt the exact opposite- happiness, anticipation, excitement. Those sorts of thoughts interest me, and I tried to will my past self to send me just a little comfort from 6 days before. Just a little bit of the joy I was feeling the last time I stood there.
It didn't work.
Meanwhile Naomi was having a hard time as well. I had asked her earlier in the week if she thought this time would be harder or easier when she had to go than last time, and she said easier. How wrong she was- she told me that she cried from Houston to New York and missed me more terribly than ever. She said that the people in the Charlotte airport where she had her layover probably thought she was going to a funeral, since she couldn't stop crying.
I came home and laid down beside where she laid when she was here- where we laid together, and thought about all the good times we had. It helped a bit.
Fortunately our next visit was going to be barely more than a month away, so we both clung to that. I cannot wait to hold her again. We're supposed to be past all of this stuff- the gushing, the intensity, the "Honeymoon period". But it seems that we just grow closer and more in love, which is a wonderful thing.
She left her dvd here, and some other things to remember her by, and life has moved on. Routine has set in, and the sadness has faded, tho the longing has not. I look forward to coming home to her every day, even tho she isn't here physically. But we get to talk and spend time together, and it makes the day better.
I can't wait for the day when I come home to her every night, physically. I know it will happen some day, and I can look back at this entry and remember how much I longed for that day. Never take it for granted- every moment together is precious.
I think we'll appreciate it more because of these times. Some people believe that everything happens for a reason, and I don't know if I believe that, however I do believe that these times of longing and want are going to make us stronger and help us to not take each other for granted when we are together physically, and that thought helps me get through. Along with her love.
Deeper than an ocean...

"She is water
powerful enough to drown you
soft enough to cleanse you
deep enough to save you"
Wednesday, May 23rd, 2018
3:29 am
Our Story Pt 2 (The First Time We Met)
(The beginning of forever...)

It's been almost 3 months since my Naomi and I became a couple, at least officially (for the story on that, read my last entry).
As the writer Mimi Jones-Taylor pointed out, Naomi has this wonderful habit of going after what she wants with direct force and determination, with little regard for things that get in her way; and she usually gets what she wants. So she wanted me for some reason, and she got me. Fully. Then she wanted to be with me in person (as anyone would with their long distance beau) so she booked a flight to come see me. It was booked pretty far in advance (a couple of months ago) for this past Saturday- May 19th. We have been counting down the days between then and now, talking online every night. I got a mic and some headphones so that we can chat on webcam (tho I have no webcam. So I can watch her, but she can't watch me. This is a point of contention and consternation for one of us, however my shitty computer can't handle a webcam so that's unfortunately the way it has to be).
We both knew this would be the big trip- the first time we meet. A lot was riding on it. We had already thrown caution to the wind and ran blindly off a cliff of passion together, however there was always that thought in the back of our minds- what if the chemistry is not there in person? And of course since she couldn't see me because no webcam, just whatever pics and stuff I sent her, there was always the thought, however small, that I might not be all I claim.
So there were some worries. Anxiety. Apprehension. But we needn't have concerned ourselves, because as has seemed to be the case with this whole relationship from the first day we talked (online), things went quickly from being beautiful and awesome to a raging passionate out of control bonfire in a very short period of time. Things happened- things that shouldn't have. Logic went out the window. Wind claimed caution, brakes were ignored, boundaries were smashed (in a good way), life raged hard. As it should. But I'm getting ahead of myself...
I had been looking forward to this for weeks- as it got closer, I got more excited. When I was trudging through my job each day I'd picture the cool stuff we would do together. What restaurants we would go to. What things we would go do. I actually wrote out some plans- an itinerary if you would, of what all I wanted to do. As the 19th got closer, more and more interesting events were starting to be announced around town. We already knew we wanted to go see Deadpool 2. The only local club I really like to go to (other than for shows) posted that they were starting a new goth/ industrial/ edm/ electronica night on the 19th, so I decided that would be perfect. She likes to dance, and to have drinks, and I really wanted to see her dance. I generally don't make many plans, but I wanted everything to go well and for her to have a good time while she was here, so I planned ahead a bit.
I also ordered her a ring for her birthday. I must have looked at about 500 rings looking for just the right one- there were quite a few that I liked a lot, but they were over 1000 dollars (some over 3000 dollars!). So I narrowed it down to a bunch I liked the look of and price of and finally picked one. It was a Celtic knot ring- a fairly simple one. There were a lot of more intricate ones, but the simplicity of this particular one appealed to me. It wasn't fancy but it looked right. I ordered one in white gold, and unfortunately it only came in one size- 7. Naomi is much smaller than that, so after it came in I had to get it resized. They weren't going to be able to resize it before she arrived, so I'd just have to slip out and pick it up while she was here.
On the day of her arrival I drove up to the airport excitedly, running a bit late because of traffic, but somehow I got there at just the right time. The plane landed at 12:03 and I got there at 12:05. I positioned myself in front of the terminal she would come out of and waited. And waited. Then I began to get nervous as time ticked on and more people came out that weren't her. I started to think maybe the plane actually got there earlier and she had already came in before I got there. I was kind of looking around to see if I noticed her anywhere, and when I looked back at the terminal there she was, just coming out. She saw me and made a beeline right to me. I will never forget that moment for as long as I live. All the fear of us having an awkward first meeting, of not knowing what to do exactly- do we hug? Kiss? Size each other up like Sumo wrestlers? All that over thinking and bullshit melted away when I saw my baby rushing to me beaming like the sun and she practically leapt into my arms and we kissed and it was so magical. The sweetest kiss I've ever had. I've never been a big kisser- I could always take them or leave them at best. But her lips felt so good on mine. It was brief but powerful, and then I was holding her against me and she was crying in my arms. It was an incredible moment I will always cherish.
We went and ate at a local white trash kitchen (I wanted to give her the full Houston treatment since she had flown 1500 miles to get to me) but she was too tired to do my plan of riding around showing her the city until the movie started at 7 PM, so we went back to my house so she could take a nap. I would imagine that anyone who heard this story so far knows that napping was not the first priority after getting into my bedroom. I fully expected her to be too tired to do anything but nap, however I found out that it didn't matter that she was tired. She had been waiting for my touch for several months, and it was happening no matter how tired she was.
I would like to say that the first time was the most wonderful ever, but I didn't do well. I'm not sure if it was just unfamiliarity with her body or that we were both really tired or the fact that I hadn't done anything like that in a long, long time, but I was barely adequate. This threw me a bit, but I rallied and did a better job the next time. And even better the time after that. It got better and better the more we did it (which is encouraging because usually the opposite is the case. The first time is the most exciting and then the law of diminishing returns kicks in. But that didn't happen with us- it got better and better. I never want to lose this passion- never want to take any of this for granted). And since we did it a lot, and it got better and better each time, by the next day it was incredible. The best intimacy and sex I've ever experienced.
She also gave me a gift she brought me- a bracelet she had specially made for me because I am allergic to metal and a lot of jewelry so I can't wear stuff. But this bracelet was specially made to not break people with metal allergies or sensitive skin out, and sure enough has not broken me out. It's very cool- it has lava rocks in it.
We slept just a little and went to the movie, which was excellent and quite hilarious. But afterwards she was very tired and just wanted to go back to my house for togetherness, or possibly just go have a drink in a quiet bar then go back to my house. So we didn't go to the goth club but did go to a quiet pub, which she turned out to like a lot and have a lot of fun. Several people I knew were there and were delighted that I had a girlfriend and fussed over us, and they had the bike race on that she likes to watch so she got to see some of that when she didn't think she was going to be able to. We went home exhausted and fell asleep spooning, tho I got sick to my stomach all night and kept waking up and having to get up and go to the bathroom. That wasn't fun because I just wanted to hold her all night uninterrupted.
The next day I had planned for us to go for a walk through an upscale area by a small river and have lunch at a British pub, however it was raining so we cut our walk short. It was still a nice walk holding hands and since it was rainy there weren't a lot of other people out. We took some pictures in front of a fountain. We were falling more deeply in love.
We came home for a bit of intimacy, then went to my Mom's house so she could meet Naomi. That went very well, then I took Naomi out to eat at Pappasitos. She got fish and a Margarita and I got cheese enchiladas. Being out with her- showing off my beautiful new girlfriend, was awesome. We love to talk and seemingly never run out of things to talk about. I've always thought that being able to talk and laugh is the most important part of a relationship. If you can talk with someone and never run out of things to talk about you'll never get bored with each other. And we have that.
However the best moments all came when we were alone together at my house, in my bed. And I'm not necessarily talking about sex stuff. We had a lot of deep moments- intense and passionate conversations where we just stared into each others eyes and told each other things. Intense things. Beautiful things. Long, meaningful discussions and deep soul sharing thoughts.
She became upset at one point because of a small insecurity- one of those built in things that don't seem like that big of a deal to anyone but the person they are plaguing, but which are a very big deal to that person. I was trying to reassure her, and we were very close to each other, looking into each other's eyes, and I saw something in hers. A need. A need for not only reassurance, but also security, dedication, and binding loyalty. And I'm not stupid- this girl is incredible. Absolutely incredible in every way. Beautiful, intense, passionate, smart, strong, thoughtful- all the best qualities a person can have. My dream girl. And tho it's been such a short amount of time we've been together, I feel a passion and love for her that I don't think I've ever felt for anyone before. So I asked her if she would marry me. It wasn't a planned moment- I didn't even have ring for her. The ring I got her was still at the jewelers being resized, and it wasn't even an engagement ring. But I felt it in that moment, and it felt right. So, so right. I only hesitated for a moment, but I was absolutely sure. And she said yes.
That night was my radio show night. She was so tired but went with me. It was an atypical show for me- I forgot some stuff at home and one of the cds I brought didn't work, but it was a good show nonetheless. I played a lot of Canadian bands to commemorate her being there, and got to kiss and touch her during longer songs. At one point she asked if I was sure about my proposal, and I told her I've never been that sure about a relationship in my life.
After we slept we went to lunch at a small local tavern and had an entertaining waitress, and I perplexed Naomi by ducking out for a bit to get her ring from the jeweler's down the block. She was suspicious that I was up to something. When we got home, I gave her the ring. I was a little nervous about her not liking it- I knew she would like it because I gave it to her. She would like anything I gave her as long as I put some thought and effort into it, however I wanted her to like it on it's own as well, not just because it was from me. She had disparaged a past lover's ring that he had gotten her as being "cheap" (tho there were many reasons she didn't like it besides that) and I wished that I could have gotten her one of the really pretty, more expensive rings. One with an emerald on it. But I don't have a thousand bucks to spend on a ring (or even half that). I guess the main reason I really wanted her to like it is because I actually really liked it- it wasn't that expensive in comparison to the others, but I was happy with it, and as I said it just felt right.
When I gave it to her, her eyes teared up and she said it was beautiful. I told her it was a promise ring- since the promise a promise ring is ostensibly meant to signify is that you are promised to each other and that you are going to ask her to marry you some day, that didn't quite work because I had already asked her the night before. I told her it was a promise that everything I had told her in the past was true- I promised to love her, and cherish her, and support her in times of distress. To always try to be patient and understanding, communicate well, and to try my hardest to never take her for granted. She decided that it would make a good engagement ring. I hadn't thought of that because it doesn't look like a typical engagement ring- there was no precious stone, and it had a Celtic knot on it. But she said she wasn't a typical girl and we weren't in a typical relationship and lots of people have non-traditional engagement rings and she loved it and it would be her engagement ring. I said as long as she's happy I'm happy.
That night we went and ate dinner at a bbq place with a good friend of mine who wanted to meet this girl who had captured my heart. We talked until they closed then talked a bit in the car. Later she told me that the reason she kept tickling my shoulder in the car is because she was very turned on and needed to go inside and be taken care of, however anyone who has read my past entry knows that I am not good with hints and such, so I didn't pick up on that.
However I found out quickly when we went in. All bets were off.
I don't know if it was because it was our last day together, or because we had grown more comfortable with each other physically, however many unexpected things happened. Mostly good, some bad. The good stuff overshadowed the bad by a long shot, and Naomi showed me that she truly cared for me and was 100% true to her word that she loved and supported me and would do anything for me. It was very nice to be loved and cared for so much. She made me feel very special that night, which is something I haven't felt in a long time. A very long time.
Neither of us wanted to go to sleep because we didn't want the next day to come. That was the day she had to go home, and it came all too soon.
She had to be to the airport by 10 AM, and we woke up around 7. She had to pack and get ready. She had a couple of sad moments but got into taking care of business mode pretty fast. The drive to the airport was fast and uneventful so we got there a little early and sat together in the car. The last time we were there, when I went and got her, when we got in the car we began kissing and it raged out of control and I pulled her over onto me and we kissed and embraced for a long time. This time there was kissing and embracing but it was tainted with sadness. We both knew how much we were going to miss being together.
I walked with her into the terminal and we sat down for a bit and held hands one last time and took a few pictures. She took a picture of her hand with the ring on it being held in my hand, which she put on Instagram and to my surprise people knew exactly what it meant. I thought since it wasn't a typical looking engagement ring people wouldn't get it, but they did. Finally she had to go. I watched her walk away until I couldn't see her anymore. I went back and sat in my car and felt very sad. I had a good friend who died the week before, and his funeral was the next day. Naomi wanted to be here for me during that, but couldn't get her flight changed. So I knew I was going to have to go to his funeral and face that the next day. Then I'd have to go back to work the day after that, which I wasn't looking forward to. I am thankful that I have a job, but I really don't much like what I do.
I had to be strong for Naomi while she was there, but I felt very sad sitting in the car alone. I allowed myself 15 minutes of sorrow, then I pulled it together and headed home.
I miss her so much. It's weird- I didn't even know she existed 4 months ago, and now it's like I'm addicted to her. I know that we've been apart for the whole relationship, and I am used to that, however now that I've held her, talked to her in person, held her hand almost constantly, saw her smile and laugh and come in person it hurts to be apart. A lot.
Before she left I told her "Now that we had a taste of being with each other in person, being apart will be..." and I was about to say harder and she said "hell". And that about sums it up. I am sad and I miss her, but fortunately it is not a bad sad- it's not grief or despair. Because I know we are still together. She is wearing my ring. We'll see each other again. So it hurts, but it's not devastating. As she told me when we were sitting in the car at the airport- this isn't an ending.
It's the beginning of forever...
Thursday, April 5th, 2018
4:55 am
Our Story (The Beginning)
(It can't rain all the time...)

It rained a lot last year. Not a nice warm shower, but dreary, cold, ugly rain that makes you feel like nothing will ever be right. My house has several leaks, and a worrisome tree hanging over it just waiting for the ground to get saturated enough for it to fall, so rain causes me consternation if there is too much. And of course things have not been too good. Not for a long time. When things aren't too good, little things like roof leaks and concerning trees grow from a nuissance to more overwhelming factors on the downward spiral. But then earlier this year, the rain just stopped. Or perhaps I just didn't notice it anymore. Perhaps something took over my attention. Something unexpected, but wonderful.
Looking back over this little journal I've noticed a theme- sadness. Depression. Tribulation. Lots of whining. That's because when I feel bad or depressed, I write. And I mostly write in here because I know that no one reads it anymore. But for this entry, I'm going to talk about something happy. Nice. Positive (ugh!). I'm going to talk about when the rain stopped. I have to warn that it might just get cheesy, because happy people sometimes sound cheesy. If you think that, I'm with you- I think happy people, especially ones in love, sound very cheesy. In the past I might have been found sneering at such things. But now I'm writing them. Such is the way of life. If you also sneer at happy people in love (and I perfectly understand), you should probably skip this entry. Because this entry is even more so just for me than the past ones I've written. Because I want to remember this feeling, and these events that caused it. This is Our Story (the beginning)...

Naomi burst into my life like a force of nature. There I was, minding my own businesss being perfectly miserable when this raw, passionate, intense woman appeared out of thin air and took over my attentions, emotions, and nights.

I had joined a singles group that had the unifying factor that all the members had one common interest- the films of David Lynch. I didn't expect to get much out of it except some camaraderie and excitement building up to the impending airing of the new Twin Peaks series (which had not came out yet). And I was right- I made several cool friends from that group, but to no surprise no romantic interest. Last year (and the year before ) was a very dark year for me, as anyone who has read this journal would know. And somewhere in that time I gave up on finding anyone who could possibly be into me, much less grow to love me. At the end of the year loneliness and depression had become somewhat normal for me. I pretty much stopped looking for anyone to share my time with, and I actually got a little happier when I did that. I was more or less resigned to the fact that there really was no one out there for me, or if there was the chances of me meeting her were very, very low. I felt completely unloveable- my ex had told me that I do not belong in a relationship. I could not be with another person- I was too fucked up. Too erratic. Too caustic. Too everything. But mostly too fucked up, physically and emotionally. I thought about that a lot. I mean she should know- she was with me for over 10 years. She was, of course, right. So I would be alone. And I made peace with that. There were times that thought made me very sad- I did feel lonely off and on. But it was a resigned sadness, just a bit too comfortable and becoming familiar.
So I had lost all expectations in the singles group when one of the moderators suggested another introductory post for everyone. For some reason I made one, just for the hell of it. I listed some info about me and warned that I'm ugly (I didn't post a pic). Got several likes but only one person (who I didn't already know) posted a comment. She wrote "Hello fellow Goth Taurean - it's nice to know there's more than one of us here...". Her name was Naomi.
I didn't think much of it, but she sent me a private message.
That was Feb 5th.
It took her a few days to get to know me I guess. We talked about common interests and told each other a little about ourselves- the usual stuff. But somehow through that she saw something in me, and decided she was interested. She started introducing some very mild flirting (that I totally missed because it's me) into our conversations. This lasted a few days but on Feb 11th she got a little more aggressive. She really liked my radio show, which made me very happy and I played a song I picked out just for her (but didn't tell her what it was going to be (it was Dreadful Shadows covering Bowie's "Out side"- she loves Bowie and gothy stuff so it was perfect). She loved it,and admitted to squealing in delight when it came on, which if you are a music producer or DJ that is everything to you. She also made sure I knew that she did not generally squeal in delight about things. She had pretty much given up on love and romance as well, at least for a long time. But she had also decided that the time had come to dip her toe into the thought of maybe getting back into it.
The day before Valentine's Day she She asked me for my story- as much of it as I wanted to tell. So I told her quite a bit, but not everything I could have.
On Valentine's Day she sent me a pic of some flowers and wrote " I just want to let you know that I really look forward to getting your messages btw, so thank you! I'll write back something longer later but in spite of this day being what it is, I hope you don't mind me sending you flowers...". I enjoyed her messages quite a bit as well- I didn't know it (or more specifically wouldn't let myself realize) but somewhere inside I was really starting to like her. My mind buried this and I thought nothing of it. And of course I knew that there's no way she'd like me as more than someone cool to talk to.
The next day she seemed to get more serous about us, and about making me hers. I think that might be where our story really began. She wrote me a long, heartfelt message telling me a bit of personal stuff (since I told her my story, or some of it, she told me hers). She opened up a bit, and ended it with what I now realize (tho I didn't then) was her way of telling me she was interested, and would be serious if we came together. It, of course, went directly over my head.
However her opening up to me made me, in turn, open up to her. I told her much more about myself, including all the details of my last relationship. This seemed to touch her, and she doubled down on the showing interest- she was already being pretty aggressive, but I am a dummy and don't notice stuff like that. You have to almost literally throw yourself at me for me to actually believe you like me. She was about a step and a half away from doing just that (not in a pathetic way- in a very reasonable and patient way. She seemed to understand that I'm not good with that sort of thing). She even told me I was amazing, which is a very nice thing to hear. I think that was around the time that I began to suspect that she might be interested in me, tho I wasn't sure and actually had strong doubts. I really liked her a lot, but wouldn't let myself go farther than that- like no romantic thoughts towards her escaped the deeper reaches of my mind. But I enjoyed talking to her and looked forward to her messages.
On Feb 18th- 13 days after we first began talking, I felt the first real twinges of infatuation begin to take hold. Those tendrils that are scary but exciting, and have the potential to fuck up your world and make you feel like a fool. It's weird the things that trigger such feelings- as I mentioned, under the surface I was already beginning to fall for her, but I was distracted and ignoring it, and I've been damaged- I didn't dare to have much hope for her (or anyone) being into me. No one had been for a long time. So my feelings for her were pushed down, unwanted, unacknowledged. But all it took was one short sentence from her. She was having a bad time because it was the anniversary of something heartbreaking from her past, and she had told me she was feeling down. Then she wrote one simple sentence:
"Message me tomorrow?".
It doesn't look like much. It really doesn't. But it burst through all my defenses- it was so heartfelt. This is a person who is incredibly strong, who has been through some horrible stuff and who rarely asks anyone for help, but who had opened up to me. And she was asking for help. For comfort and distraction from her bad thoughts. I don't know if it was hard for her to write that- it showed some vulnerability, and people don't like to show that (especially strong people). It's even possible I might have read too much into it, and me sending her a message on her hard day didn't mean as much as I thought it might. But it gave me strong feelings and warmed my heart to her, and the melting and acceptance of my feelings for her began.
Shortly after that, I began to flirt back- now mind you, I don't really flirt (unless I'm already in a relationship with someone, or I'm REALLY comfortable with them) so it was a bit, ummmm... underwhelming I imagine, but I think it encouraged her. I still wasn't 100% sure if she was really into me in THAT way, but she had steadily increased the aggressiveness of her flirting and showing interest that even I was getting the idea. I was still scared to believe it, but I was beginning to hope. Around that time one day I was joking with her about something silly and she wrote "If I didn't hate you right now I might be falling for you". We had been talking for around 15 days. I began to think that she might actually be into me, like for real (as I said I'm a bit thick about these things. I'm sure it was very frustrating for her).
She started wanting us to talk to each other (in person, not on messenger), but I don't have a cell phone and we're in different time zones. However we agreed to set up a date to chit chat on the phone.
I decided that before we talked to each other live, I really wanted to know if she was into me for more than friends beyond the shadow of a doubt, and to find out how real and deep her feelings for me went, or if I was just imagining things. So I asked her several questions (things I was interested in knowing) and at the end I asked her what she thought about when she masturbated. Now we had talked sex before- matter-of-factly about what we thought about certain things (non-flirting, just discussing stuff), and some in the flirting (tho nothing as bold as that question). Why didn't I ask her outright if she was interested in me instead of that way- well, I was scared to, but also it made it easy on her. If she was not interested in me, she could tell me whatever (as I said we had discussed sex frankly before so it would have been no big deal); and if she was interested in me, she could simply say "You" or something along those lines.
She ignored the first 10 questions I asked (well, she said she had to think about them and would answer them later) and went straight to the masturbation one. Her response:

"Just before I fell asleep a couple hours ago, I imagined I was spooning into your chest, your hand pressed against my breasts. I felt the heat of your breath along my neckline while your voice murmured words I wanted to hear. I imagined your fingers trickling down the length of my body until your fingers discovered exactly how wet you made me, and when they grazed against my clitoris I cried out your name and longed to grasp that hand from my centre and pull your arm tight around me. The rest I'll answer later.

And I'm not even joking"

The kid gloves were off.

So that next Saturday (Feb 25th) was our phone date. It wasn't actually a date, but we had both been building up to something, and perhaps it would come together on the phone.
She later told me she had been very nervous about this call. I didn't know what to expect. As it turned out, she shouldn't have worried. We talked for 6 hours and it felt like 30 minutes. We were talking and laughing, with no uncomfortable moments. It was great. My phone died in the middle of it, and we had to go back to the computer chat while it charged. But that didn't stop us, and as soon as it charged, we were back on. By the end some very intimate conversation had occurred. Before we hung up she said (and I'm paraphrasing here) "Considering what just happened, do we want to take this to the next level?". She obviously did, but I was not sure. Such is the damage I've sustained from the past- I am very cautious. I told her that I considered us what the kids call "talking". She understood, and said she'd be patient and wait for me to be ready. She even said she'd "court" me if she had to (haha).
She wouldn't have long to wait.
I'm not that smart about these kinds of things, as anyone reading this can see, but I know a good thing when I see it. And she is a good thing. Intelligent, strong, talented, understanding, beautiful, good sense of humor, great conversationalist, very passionate about music (like me) and, as it turns out, very passionate about me. This was one of those once-in-a-lifetime things that a lot of people don't ever come across.
So it didn't take too long for her to melt my ice the rest of the way. The next day I sent her the first of many heart emojees. I don't send people heart emojees. Thus begun my slide into insanity.
We were chatting the next day, and I called her my darling. I didn't think a lot of it, and I don't know why I did it- I've never used that word much. Never to a girlfriend or friend before. It just kind of fit. And it made her so happy. She later told me she screen-capped it, so she could go back and look at it when she wanted without scrolling up through our long conversations.
She also tweeted about it! She wrote:
"I usually hate when I'm turning into a gooey mushball full of girly coos and squees and that kind of crap. But today I am officially my crush's darling and I am over the fucking moon about that. I'm swooning and idgaf."
You see, she has a reputation. She is the dark, cynical goth girl who laughs at love and romance and all those idiots who act so foolish. Much like myself, she hates stupid love songs and insipid cretins walking around holding hands and getting in everyone's way and such. But now she was on the verge of becoming one herself, and she was somewhat horrified. But happy about it.
When I tried to warn her about myself- how I'm not supposed to be in a relationship because I'm fucked up and tell her bad things about me, she didn't care. Actually her exact response was:
"fuck you. I'm a fucking mess. But somehow you like my mess. And you see yourself as a mess because you're still feeling the effects of damage. But I would be ever so happy if you were my mess and we could just be one big mess of weirdness and neuroses together."
So a very healthy start to our story here. This made me happier than I can explain. Things were becoming serious fast. But the next step was a big one. THE big one. The "L" word was uttered.

On Feb 28th (we had been chatting for 23 days) we were in the middle of a play argument and she wrote:

"You little shit.
You're going to make me fall in love with you aren't you?
Sorry that was too fast wasn't it?"

To which I responded (this was a joke to lighten the mood):

"You mean you aren't already in love with me?"

She could have blown it off or made a return joke, but instead she said:

"This is what I agonize over in the car. In my house. At my desk. And pretty well any moment when I'm not doing something else and I'm supposed to be doing."

We chatted until after 4 AM, and she got emotional about some stuff I said. She said that no one had ever treated her so and it overwhelmed her, so I asked if she wanted me to call her for a little bit to talk in person. When I called her, and we were talking, I don't remember what we were talking about. I think she asked me what she could do to repay me for treating her like a person, and I said "Just love on me" (meaning be sweet to me). And she blurted out "I DO love you!". Then she balked at what she said. It actually kind of went over my head- I was thinking she was saying that she was loving on me (as in being sweet). And she told me that she had a pet name for me in her head. I was her Moonlight, because of the DeBussy song "Clair de Lune" which gives her the same feeling I do when she listens to it. This was all very overwhelming and emotional for me. When someone feels unloveable for a long time and then someone else comes along and treats them so well, it's a weird sensation. It very nice, but also scary and exciting and as I said overwhelming. My feelings for her were growing at geometric rates. The ice was melted. I was losing the battle, but I was ok with it.
A few days later when we talked, she called me "My love". When I said "Your love?" she asked if it was too soon. I told her it isn't if she meant it. She said she did, and she was tired of being afraid to say it. It was March 2nd. That's when I realized what she had actually said when we were on the phone. "I DO love you". She had tried to tell me before. Now I knew. there was no doubt. There was no going back from that. We were deep in the shit, so to speak. And my defenses had all but been breached.
She had told me that she needed to go to bed earlier that night, and it was after 1 AM. This would be a constant theme in our relationship.
I tried to somewhat lighten the mood and make her feel less vulnerable, and I guess I should let our conversation speak for itself, because it was probably one of the most important ones:

"I think you might have just confessed your love for me so that doesn't happen every night"

"I could make it happen every night. I don't mind. It makes it less scary if I say it more often"

"How does it make you feel when you say it to me?"

"Excited, frightened, joyous, confused, terrified, thrilled, peaceful, curious, overwhelmed, euphoric, but most of all happy."

"But you know, if my mind wasn't rebelling against the thought of falling head over heels in love in 25 days, I might be honest with myself and say the same thing to you"

The next night, it happened. We had been chatting and decided to talk on the phone again, and it came out. I was just overwhelmed with love for her, and I said it out of the blue. We were just talking about whatever and I said "You know what? I. Love. You.". It was kind of hard to get out, very scary. But it felt good and it felt right and it's felt better every time I've said it since (which has been a lot of times).
I guess the last thing I have to report in this chapter- "The Beginning", is when we made it official. She had asked several times (even before we confessed our love to each other) about changing relationship statuses on social media and telling the world we belong to each other. I had balked at that at first, but now I was ready. as I said- I am slow and cautious (well, obviously not THAT slow and cautious- we had known each other for a whole month). So when she asked me again, I said I was ready. We made it official one month ago on March 5th. That is what we consider the start of our romantic relationship, even tho we had already shared quite a few intimate moments and confessed our love for each other. Our FB announcement got 91 likes (mostly from her friends) and each of us had a friend who commented "Whaaaat?!" haha. But we are happy together.

Will she come to her senses and realize that I don't really bring much to her life besides a bit of unconditional love and amusement? I hope not. I do have a fear of that. A fear that once she gets used to the way I treat her all of my faults, all of my weaknesses and imperfections will stand out and she'll realize that there are tons of guys much better than me, younger than me, cooler than me, better looking than me, etc who would treat her just as good as I do, and that just because she never met one before doesn't mean that they aren't out there. A fear that she'll become discontent. A fear that she will want someone else. This is how I am still a bit damaged- that has happened so much in the past. Once they got used to me, and saw all my faults they decide I'm not so great after all. Of course she is not them, and she has been very patient with my insecurities, and she has given me no reason to have them, but they are still there, lurking. But I am optimistic about it all. I really am. This one is special. This has been so crazy and if I had not experienced it first hand and someone else had written this and I read it, I would have rolled my eyes and called them a naive twit. So maybe I am a naive twit, but this is real. I can feel it. And I am so happy.
I'll leave this with another quote from my darling. A good one to end on. She said this to me somewhere before we confessed our love to each other, but it is a fitting last word to this, Our Story- The Beginning:

"I'm thinking about how much pain you and I I have both been through individually. And I may be being presumptuous, but I think we both deserve better than what this life has previously served up to us. And maybe that's what this is. Now. Us. Thing."
Monday, December 18th, 2017
7:17 am
Time to say goodbye...
My beautiful kitty Frankenstein moved out last night. I've been dreading this for several months now (I knew it was coming since July- see my last entry). It took a little longer than I thought, but I had to watch her ride off with my ex Krystal and her parents last night.
Things have not gotten any better since my last entry. The only thing that has improved is that I did get my property taxes paid (tho now the new ones are due in a month, and I don't have any money for them). I hired a company to clean up my yard that the city is giving me so much shit about and I paid them and they only cleaned up half of it, so I've been fighting with them to get them to finish the job. I really wish I hadn't paid them until they were finished- that was stupid and I'm too trusting I guess. Shit's just been sucking all around, tho I did get a car finally. That's been a big help (tho now I have a car payment and my insurance went up).
Our divorce was done the first week of October, but it took this long for her to move out. She's moving in with her boyfriend 1100 miles away, so it was a big production. Her parents came down, which went better than I expected. I thought it would be super awkward, but we've always gotten along fine, so I guess I shouldn't have worried. They were supposed to possibly help me with a few things around here that severely need tending to- the toilet that I don't use in the laundry room has started running constantly, and the valve to turn the water off is broken off. And a tree fell on my house after the big hurricane came through last August. It didn't do a lot of damage, but I only had the money to get the part of it that was actually sticking in my roof cut out of it, and the roof fixed, so I have most of it left looming over my house ready to fall at any time- these things are causing me considerable anxiety, and Krystal acted like they might help with some of that if I let her stay here until she was ready to move, but they didn't. They said they didn't have time.
I'm not really depressed about my ex moving out- a little bit, because we are still friends. And I do miss the way things used to be. That was a long time ago, but we had a lot of good times. I can't help thinking about them, and that does make me sad; to think that those days are gone and never coming back. But she's a different person now, and we feel different about each other, so I'm ok with us not being together anymore. But I feel very lonely. And I still feel like a failure, that we couldn't keep it together. That we couldn't keep it like it was or evolve together in a better way.
I also feel a lot of anxiety, not just about the things I mentioned above but also about living alone. She was always here, so she could watch after the cats, and take care of the house (for example when that tree I mentioned fell on it, she was here to do damage control). I worry about a window getting broken and the cats getting out, or the plumbing springing a leak and flooding the house, or something catching fire, etc. while I'm at work. And it's lonely living by yourself- I am a bit of a loner, so I'm ok most of the time, but she's lived here since 2006, so I'm used to her being here. The house feels so empty without her and Frankenstein. And like I said, we are still friends, so it's also always sad when a friend moves away. We need all the friends we can get.
But most of all I'm sad about my kitty moving with her. Frankenstein was more her cat than mine, so I understand that she took her, but I loved her too. I remember when we first got her and her sister back in mid-2007 they were so tiny. We let them out of the cat carrier and they hissed at Charlie and hid under the bed. We went to bed, and I woke up in the middle of the night and both the kittens had came out from under the bed and were sleeping on me. That's a favorite memory.
Frankenstein loved treats more than any other cat I know. A couple of weeks ago I was in Wal-Mart, and I was on the pet aisle and I went to get some treats, and it hit me that it was the last time I was ever going to buy treats for her. I was fine, and that fact hit me and I just got so sad, standing there in Wal-Mart. I've been dreading this day for a while now.
She's been sleeping with me the past week or a little more- she hasn't done that in a long time. She's been laying on a Grumpy Cat pillow I got a couple of years ago for Krystal that is on my bed. That made me happy that she slept with me for her last bit of time here. She always liked to come in and sit with me while I'm on the computer, but hasn't slept with me much since Krystal moved out of the bedroom. I'm missing her sitting here with me right now.
We got some tranquilizers to help her on the long car ride to Georgia. They weren't very potent, tho. She really freaked out about being in her carrier. I took her out to the their car and loaded her in last night at about 6:25 PM and told Krystal's parents bye and off they went. I barely held it together, and when I came in the house, the big empty house with so much empty space where all Krystal's stuff had been I kinda lost it. I just started sobbing uncontrollably. I felt so alone. So dismal. So lonely, and so sad. I really wish she had waited until after Xmas to move out- after New Years too but mostly after Xmas. I wish we all could have been together for one more Xmas. This year has sucked so bad, and I feel hopeless and depressed. If things don't get better I don't think I can take much more.

Current Mood: sad
Monday, July 10th, 2017
8:05 am
The Downward Spiral
Poor Livejournal. As the world has gotten stupider, attention spans have grown smaller, and interests have become so shallow that people can barely be bothered to read a few lines or look at a picture and click a like button, this site has dwindled in popularity. I am just as guilty of this as anyone- I rarely post or come here anymore; however this also makes it a bit more private, a bit more intimate. I feel more comfortable writing more personal things on here than on FB (I don't have a damn Twitter or a lot of these other things). So here is another personal entry, just for me (I don't think anyone else reads this anymore).
It's raining right now. It's been raining since mid-day yesterday. It didn't hit me too hard on the drive to the radio station, but it got pretty bad for a bit on the way home. Rain and Joy Division were perfect for my mood. The 'mood' I posted on here was distressed, which is somewhat true, but the mood I would have posted if it was available would be abjection.

Definition of abjection
1
: a low or downcast state
a kind of depressed feeling, a bleak and heavyhearted state of mind. A series of terrible jobs might send you into a state of abjection. Disappointments and bad luck can lead to a feeling of abjection.

I've been on a downward spiral for awhile now. It started in 2012. A five year downward spiral, which is wearing me thin, draining me, and causing me a lot of pain (both physical and mental). However the spiral has gotten worse recently- I say recently- I think the increase probably started early 2016. I can kind of trace it back to the death of my friend Bill Bates. I've known Bill since the early '90s- he worked at the same radio station as me, and we were co-hosts on many radio shows (mostly metal- Sweet Nightmares, Audio Friction, Ejacula, and Dawnstarz). He was a bit older than me, but I've never been ageist- I have friends from the ages of 19 to 68, and I love them all. And Bill and I were always good friends- we didn't hang out as much as I would have liked, but we always had fun and interesting conversations. He had been in the hospital for a long time- he went to the King Diamond concert in Oct 2014, then had some sort of brain hemorrhage or something that put him in the hospital until Nov 2015. I went and visited him way less than I should have, but stayed many hours each time. The last time I went to visit him was right before Thanksgiving, and they said he had checked out. He did this against doctor's orders, but he had decided he couldn't take it in there anymore. He had a pretty good time the next few months, and even put on some shows. The last time I saw him was in either Feb or March 2016 at a show he put on with Insecticide. He was in a wheelchair, and couldn't really talk. He had a traecheotomy and wrote notes on a piece of paper for me to read.
I had hurt my foot pretty bad in 2015- I gashed a big hole in the side of it. Now most of my life when I fuck myself up, I just ignored it and it got better. Not this time. So on a Saturday in March (I believe) I went and saw a friend's band play, and I got very sick. I was shaking and puking- I have been sick a bit every since 2012. I found out that year that my kidneys are fucked up. I only have 40% use of them, and this makes me sick sometimes, and makes me feel like shit most of the time. So I didn't think much of feeling sick that day- it was worse than usual, but I went home and laid down and slept all evening and night and up into Sunday.
That Sunday my wife woke me up and asked me if I had been online at all. I told her no, and she looked like she didn't want to tell me something. Bill had died that morning and it was all over FB (he was a pretty big figure in the metal community here). I went to his viewing with my good friend Dave. They were playing his favorite band Pink Floyd in the funeral home. It was something else seeing all these tough metal people crying. He was only 53 years old. I barely held it together. And I believe that's about the point that the downward spiral that I was already on, and already barely dealing with, began to accelerate.
My wife and I had been having problems for awhile. I can trace the beginning of the end to the end of 2012. Before that, we had some problems, but nothing unusual- every relationship has some problems. But the last half of 2012 were so stressful on us both (because of me being in the hospital because of my kidneys and several other things) it caused some irreparable damage. After that, things just weren't the same. We went to counseling, but it didn't really help. We were both still trying, but it was kind of a losing battle. It was a combination of a lot of things I don't feel like rehashing here, but I came to realize that the girl I fell in love with was dead, for the most part. I had helped kill her, I guess, but in her place was a different person. Around 2014, right after we decided counseling wasn't working she came up with an idea- polyamory. One of the problems we had always had in the relationship was her extreme jealousy, and my problem of getting along with girls better than guys. I grew up and was raised by my Mom and Grandmom with my sister- my Grandfather was the only male role model I really had in my life, at least that I paid attention to. So I got more comfortable with girls, and have always had girls as friends, and this caused my wife extreme consternation. I never cheated on her, but she's always suspected that 'something' might have happened with some girl I was friends with. So she said that polyamory would be good because then she couldn't be jealous of girls I'm friends with or (even more), and she could be with someone who could provide the things that I wasn't great at or wasn't really into. I didn't like the idea at all, but she pointed out that we had tried everything else, and it might work. She had been researching it. She got us 2 books to read. I still wasn't convinced- it just didn't seem like it would strengthen a relationship that had a lot of problems, it seemed more like at least one of the people in the relationship would fall in love with the other person they are with (I wanted to try other things- anything really, but polyamory felt like a copout). But I decided to give it a try, against my better judgement, as a last ditch effort. Well, right after that our beloved Siamese cat Charlie died, and we were both so devastated that we kind of forgot all that polyamory stuff for awhile. But later on in 2015 she said that she had met a guy online, and was interested in meeting him in person (one of the conditions was that we wouldn't get together with anyone in the area). So I took her to the airport (he lives in Georgia) and off she went. It was a very hard day for me. I've always been kind of a loner, so being alone didn't bother me much, but I did worry a lot about the cats when I wasn't home. I've had my house broken into a couple of times and the cats got out (they are inside only cats) and I'm scared they'll get hurt (I also had some asshole throw rocks through my window one time while I was at work, and if my wife wasn't there the cats might have gotten out then as well). Stuff like that makes me not like living alone- my wife doesn't work because she has social anxiety issues (which causes us to have major money problems, which also didn't help our relationship) so she was home most of the time. But fortunately there were never any problems any of the times she went to visit him.
After awhile, all she wanted to do was talk on the phone with him 24/7, and she started breaking some of our agreements (such as that neither of us would spend a holiday with the 'other person').
By the end of March 2016, right after Bill died, she moved out of the bedroom. She set up a pallet on the floor in another room and started sleeping there. I now had a roommate instead of a wife. She didn't pay any bills or do much around the house, but she helped out a bit and did laundry, took out the trash, and helped with the cats, and even cooked sometimes. And it was a very good thing she was there for the next event in the downward spiral.
By the end of March I was very sick. The wound on my foot had become full of pus, and I stabbed it with a pair of scissors to drain it. I went to the emergency room once because I was scared that my blood had become septic, but they said I was ok. I went to the foot doctor, and he said I had a bone infection- a really bad one, and they were going to have to cut my little toe off. They set up a date, and I worked all the way up to the day before- by that point my foot hurt so bad that even with the Hydrocodone they gave me I could barely walk. The night before I started vomiting at work and evidently I looked so bad that the teenage girl I was working with called another manager and told her to get up there because she thought I was going to die (later on at the hospital the doctor was amazed that I could function at all, much less go to work).
The next day I went to check myself into the hospital, but they didn't have any beds. They told me to go to the emergency room. When they checked me in, my blood sugar was at 31, my blood level (which is supposed to be 12) was 5.1, and my blood pressure was very high. Some of my organs were shutting down. They put me in ICU and gave me a blood transfusion and put me on morphine. I adapt very quickly to drugs, but the morphine helped. A couple of days later they cut my toe off. I was experiencing some very bad anxiety about that, but it turned out to net be a big deal. The only time I was really in pain was right after surgery, when the stupid nurse was too busy gossiping to give me my pain meds. Then she gave me some weak shit that didn't do much (which I had before and told her it didn't do much) and told me she couldn't give me anything else because she gave me the crapass Norco. Then she ordered me something to eat, and when they brought it down and left it outside the just out-of-surgery area, she didn't get it for me and someone else ate it. She thought this was funny. I did learn all about some other nurse's new baby tho- the crappy nurse and another nurse stood outside my cubicle and talked about it for quite awhile.
I got to stay in that hospital for over a week, then moved to a rehabilitation hospital. The food was better at the first hospital, but the staff was better at the rehabilitation one. I liked most of my nurses, and one of my physical therapy nurses I liked a lot. I evidently did amazingly well.
I stayed in that place about 3 weeks. Throughout my stay my Mother came and saw me almost every day, and my friend Dave came and saw me every weekend and some during the week. My wife-that-was-now-just-a-roommate came and saw me a few times. She was very angry because the doctor said she'd have to clean up the house very well and make sure there was no trace of infection or anything dirty that could infect me, since I had just underwent a month of being blasted with 3 different antibiotics (yes I was that close to dead) and would be highly susceptible to infection or sickness. My wife has never been a big fan of work, so having to deep clean a house full of 4 cats really put her out and interfered with her busy schedule of sleeping, talking on the phone, and playing on the internet all day. But she did it.
I got out of the hospital on May 1, 2016, the day before my birthday and a day before Texas Frightmare Weekend. Dave told me he wanted me and my wife to go with him and his girlfriend (he didn't know about my wife and I separation) so the morning after I got out of the hospital I went 300 miles away to a horror convention. My wife didn't go because she couldn't stand to be away from talking to The Guy on the phone that long. I had to be in a wheelchair, and my stomach was very bad- I had only eaten hospital food (and threw that up the whole time I was in the hospital) and was full of antibiotics, so the whole first night I had massive, embarrassing diarrhea. I'm sure I kept Dave and his girlfriend up all night with it, and I didn't get any sleep. Bit I had as good of a time at the convention as I could have sick and in a wheelchair. Fortunately Dave was there to help me.
When I got home I got sick again- real sick, like delirious. And I got the hiccups, and they wouldn't go away. After a couple of days my diaphragm hurt so bad I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I have never been in that much pain in my life (and I've had my appendix explode). I went back to the hospital- a 3rd one this time (this was the same one I went to in 2012), and they said that my kidneys had pretty much shut down, possibly because of the antibiotics. So they gave me Thorazine and morphine for my hiccups and pain (which didn't do much) and I got a dialysis treatment. There was a bunch of other crap wrong with me I don't feel like going into, but the dialysis worked, so they gave me another dialysis, and it kick started my kidneys and after a week and a half or so I got out of the hospital for the second time.
My wife was gone on a trip to see The Guy when I got home, and for some reason being home alone, hobbling around on a walker and the events of past month or so got me very depressed. I don't really get depressed much, but the week and half or so she was gone I got incredibly depressed, forlorn, and lonely. It improved a little bit when she got back, but not much. It got slowly better; evidently all the chemicals and antibiotics and stuff I had gone through messed with my brain a bit. I also experienced some extreme anxiety during that time. I was not in a good place. The only thing that really helped was a little miracle I guess- on my first day going back to work (I had finally healed enough to get a boot and walk again), around June 1st or 2nd (2016), I went outside to go to work and heard a little noise. It sounded like a kitten. I followed the noise and it was coming from one of the concrete tubes that connected the ditches together in my driveway. I looked inside and there was a tiny little white-faced kitten looking out at me. It had been storming and flooding, and I guess maybe he got washed away from his family. I took him inside and gave him to my wife, and that's how Giles came to live with us. He was a little terror at first (she called him a 'tiny nightmare'), but also very sweet. He cuddled with me at night and made me feel less lonely. He actually helped me a lot- my state of mind and depression. That and going back to work got me more normal.
Unfortunately, the company I worked for was having trouble, and filed for bankruptcy right about then. We were hopeful someone would buy it and keep it open, but of all the companies that bid on it, two liquidation companies put their money together and out bid all the others. We were closing down. I worked until the end- about 3 more months, and got a little badly-needed severance pay (about a paycheck and a half). But it was very sad- I had worked there for over 20 years, and had a lot of friends. It was kind of like losing part of your family. And now I would have to start over somewhere else.
The day after we closed our doors, my car finally gave up the ghost. It had been having a lot of problems, and finally it got too bad to drive. The transmission went out. So now I had to find a new job with no car. It took me 2 months, barely surviving on unemployment, but I found a decent job. It was part-time, so no benefits (no badly needed insurance) but I was getting 32+ hours a week, so decent money. I don't really like what I do much, but I can tolerate it, and I do like the company (which is the exact opposite of my last job, where I liked what I did but hated the company).
But I've been feeling down off and on this whole year. Feeling very lonely. My wife-who-is-now-just-a-roommate being here helps some, but she can be pretty unpleasant to be around and impatient and grouchy a lot too. I miss intimacy, and being close with someone. But I';m kind of damaged by all this and my marriage and don't really feel optimistic about being with anyone. I don't know what to do.
I spent a bunch of money and went to the doctor in May (no insurance) and my bloodwork came out pretty good (for me), but around that time my job cut my hours down, and I haven't been able to afford to pay off all of my property taxes. The beginning of this month they added 25% to how much I owe, and have turned it over to the lawyers. That is causing me a considerable amount of stress- I'm trying to get it paid off before they put it up for auction. On top of that, I got a letter from the city. My new neighbors are complaining that my back yard is too grown up. And it's true- I haven't worried about it because I really can't afford to have it landscaped on a regular basis- I can barely afford to get the front yard done as often as it needs it in the summer.
i never worried about it because a few years ago I asked the person from the city if it was a problem and they said it wasn't because you couldn't see it from the street. I've got a nice family of raccoons and some possums living out there, and an owl. I don't want to chase them off, and it's going to be big bucks to get it all cleared, but since those pricks next door complained I have to. the city gave me more time, but it's still going to be a big struggle (and if I don't do it, it's a 500 buck a day fine, and they sell the property eventually to pay for it).
So I'm quite nervous about losing my house and being homeless for either of the two above issues (prop taxes and fines).
(Now I should mention that besides all the above mentioned large problems and issues that have been troubling me recently, there have been a ton of smaller but still quite annoying ones that have also seemed to grow in occurrence number that I don't feel like going into).
This all brings me to last night...
I was in my room getting my records ready to go to the radio show, trying to focus on something other than my anxiety about losing the house and getting a new car so my Mother doesn't have to keep driving me to work (she's supposed to go into surgery soon- don't know what I'll do then) and my hours being cut, when my wife-who-is-now-just-a-roommate said she needed to tell me something.
I guess The Guy asked her to move in with him. I knew this was coming, but I thought it would wait until next year (she just got her citizenship 2 months ago). She said they were aiming at maybe November. So now, on top of all the other stress, I have to think about that. Divorce. Splitting up our stuff. And worst of all the cats. My babies. I know she'll want to take some of them (we have 4). I love them all so much, and can't stand the thought of being here all alone and also without some of my babies. In my opinion, since she's the one who decided to quit trying and run out and fall for someone else, I should get the cats. She has her new guy to make her happy. But I know she'll want to take our black cat, because that is technically her baby (we got her and her sister, and her sister chose me and the black one chose my wife, tho they both like both of us), and I have no doubt that she'll want to take the others too (except the one sister that chose me). I think this is going to be a big battle, and I'm stressing out over it, as well as being here alone who knows how long (maybe until I die). I'm already pretty lonely even with her here, but with her here at least the house doesn't feel so empty as it does when she isn't. We still get along ok (unless she's grouchy) and do stuff like show each other funny stuff online a little bit and laugh about stuff- we haven't really talked in a long time, but I'm used to her being here. She's lived here 11 years. And I've got to tell everyone- I don't like to burden my friends and family with my problems (one reason I'm posting on here, where no one reads) so I haven't told anyone about our split really (my Mom in particular has always given me a hard time about my wife since she doesn't work and never has worked much and also doesn't really do much around the house.
My Mom has never understood that, so now I have to tell her about this and she likes to talk everything to death and I just don't have the strength to deal with that). And it's happening right in the middle of the holidays- usually even if I've had a bad year I can look forward to the holidays to somewhat cheer me up, but I don't know about this year. I'm going to be all alone and missing at least some of my kitties.
It's all been a big shitstorm, and I can't get my balance. Despite all of this whining, I am generally pretty good at rolling with the punches, but they're just coming too fast and hard right now. I'm not doing good at all, and I just wish I could see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Current Mood: distressed
Thursday, February 26th, 2015
7:53 pm
Charlie Aug 2002 - Feb 26 2015 Rest In Peace
It's been quite a while since I've written anything on here. I doubt anyone reads this anymore. I don't even know anyone with a LJ anymore. But I'm writing this for me anyway.
A lot of terrible things have happened since that last post. 2012 was a particularly hard year for me, probably the worst year of my entire life. Things have been going so-so lately, not too bad but not that great either, until today. Today is one of the worst days I've had in a long time. Probably one of the worst days of my life. Let me start at the beginning.
Sunday, my dear Siamese cat and best buddy Charlie had some problems. I had recently noticed that he had lost some weight, however since he was overweight I was actually happy about it. Sunday evening he started having some what I can only call mini-seizures. He would stiffen up, then fall over, then meow an alarmed meow, then he'd be ok. It happened several times so we took him to the 24 hour emergency vet. They checked him out and said he had a really bad ear infection, and that might be the cause, and that they would give him a steroid shot and some antibiotic ear drops, and we could take him in to the regular vet for blood work later (because I don't have a lot of money and it would be cheaper). We brought him home, and he seemed to be doing better.
By Tuesday morning he had taken a turn for the worse, and was doing very bad. He came in to see me, and I held him on my lap, and tho he purred a little bit, I noticed his breathing was labored, and he was a bit listless. He got down and went and laid on the couch, and I went to the store and got some wet food and a catnip ball to see how he liked them. He got a little bit excited when I opened the can of wet food, and ate some of it. I opened another can for one of my other cats who had come in, and Charlie let out a weak meow. I noticed that he had not been speaking up much that day, and he's usually very talkative. He finished up the little bit of food that he wanted, then went and laid down in an open suit case we had on the floor. I gave him the catnip ball, but he pretty much ignored it (and he loves catnip, usually rubbing his head against it and licking it and rolling around with it). So we decided to take him to the vet and get him checked out. He rode in the car very peacefully, and sat on my lap and purred a little bit in the vet waiting room.
The vet was busy, but we left him with them. When we came back to check on him later, they said he was doing very bad. They had to put him in an oxygen chamber because he was having so much trouble breathing. They had not done the blood and urine tests yet, because it was stressing him out and making his breathing worse. They let us go back and see him, and he looked bad. When he saw us, he perked up a little bit and let out two very weak meows. They said they would get the test results back the next day. After we left I really wished I had left them my shirt to put in with him, so he'd have something that smelled familiar to lay with, but hindsight is 20/20. I didn't even tell him I loved him and would be coming back.
We talked to them right before they closed and they said he was resting comfortably, and they'd have the test results in the morning.
It was a restless night, so worried and upset. We have 3 other cats, and they were restless too. One of them kept walking around making a twittery meow he doesn't do very often- I think he was looking for Charlie, and calling out for him.
The next morning we got up early and went to see him, but they told us that he had passed away in the middle of the night. I cannot explain how despondent and guilty I felt knowing that he had died in the night all alone in an oxygen chamber. He was so loving, and always wanted to be close and with me, and he was alone when he died. I'm so afraid that he thought we abandoned him there. These thoughts will probably haunt me forever. I know tonight when I lay down in bed to go to sleep, it is all I'll be able to think about. If only I had left my shirt and told him I loved him and was coming back, I'd feel a little better. I try not to torment myself, but it's hard to keep from it.
The test results showed that he had a "complicated" form of diabetes, plus liver failure, and possibly a little cancer in his chest. His Potassium was very low, and he had an incredibly large amount of fat cells in his bloodstream, which is very bad. The doctor said he had never seen that high a level of fat cells in a cat's blood stream before. Basically he had a lot of problems and complications, and his body just kind of gave up.
The doctor said that even if we had known about it ahead of time (we had taken him in for checkups before and they never showed this stuff, but we hadn't taken him in for several years. He seemed so healthy and full of life, and was an inside only cat, and we never had money, so we always put it off. Something else for me to feel terrible about) we probably could not have done much for this kind of diabetes.
Krystal had been holding it all together pretty well- Frankenstein is more her kitty, while Charlie was a little bit more my buddy (tho she loved him very much, and he her), but when they brought his body in, she really lost it. Sobbing uncontrollably and hyperventilating. I did as well- I buried my head in his soft side and just cried and cried. I couldn't believe he was gone. He sad so much life and love in him. I just kept thinking I didn't know what I was going to do without him. I still don't know.
We brought him home and let the other kitties see and smell his body. It affected all of them somewhat. Frankenstein seemed really freaked out, and Kreatur seemed the most upset- she lay down up against him for a little while.
We buried him in front of one of the two windows he liked to look out of the most, with his favorite toy (a Trader Joe's bag) under him, his Pumpkin Halloween costume (not on him, just with him), one of his little fuzzy ball toys, and his most favorite thing in the world- a bag of treats. We have a flower bush that was pretty close to where we buried him, and a bunch of pink flowers had fallen off of it, and we tossed several of them in on top of him. The last thing I did before I put him in the hole was squish noses with him one last time- he loved to squish noses together and would do it over and over. I'm going to miss that so much. Later when I looked in the room that the window is in, two of the other cats were in the window looking out over his grave.
Krystal bought some flowers and a tiny white picket fence she's going to plant above his grave. I kept one of his whiskers and I got a small vial to keep it in with me all the time.
I know that people always say the same stuff about beloved pets and loved ones when they lose them- they were special, they weren't like other cats (or dogs or whatever), etc.; but with Charlie it's not just hyperbole. I truthfully don't know what I'm going to do without him. It's like the end of an era of my life- the Charlie Era. This new era will be lacking in a bit of joy and a lot of love.
I got him in the summer of 2002, and he was a loving little kitten, always wanting to be up against me and cuddling. He never lost that, and was sweet and affectionate his whole life.
He used to greet me at the door almost every day when I came home, meowing happily to see me and following me around the house. He was the most loving and good natured cat I've ever had (and I've had a lot of cats- all of them good natured). I'm actually a little ashamed to admit right now that his friendly and cuddly lovingness annoyed me sometimes (tho not too much), and I'd sometimes lock him out of my room so I could do stuff. Stupid stuff like play on the internet. I'd give almost anything for him to keep me from playing on the internet now. If I didn't lock the door, he'd force it open (he figured out he could slam against it and it would open) and come in meowing away to climb on my lap.
He was a good kitty, but when he got in trouble every once in awhile he'd roll around on his back and be cute, because he knew we couldn't stay mad at him when he did that. He was always talking to us, and always wanted to be held, or up against us. I used to put him out of the back part of the house at night (where the bedroom is), because he'd get too excited and keep me awake sometimes. When it was time for him to go out, I'd walk him down the hallway, and he'd walk slower and slower the closer he got to the door, until right before he got to it he'd fall over, like he just couldn't walk another step. I stopped making him go out a few years ago because it seemed to upset him too much. He loved bedtime, and would get into the bed and purr and rub up against me and squish noses and lay on me and lean against me and try to get as close as he could.
All of the other cats loved him- even grumpy old Chim (one year his senior). None of the other three have as good of a relationship with each other as they did with him. Now that that dynamic has been upset, I don't know how they're going to do with each other.
When I say I don't know what I'm going to do without him, I mean that. He truly brightened my life; even in the most horrible of times he was there cheering me up. There are so few things in this world that truly bring joy, to lose one is unbearable. I still can't believe he's gone- I had thought about a time when some of the other cats might pass away, but I never pictured Charlie being gone- I don't know why. I guess because he was so full of life and love and I just couldn't imagine it. And now it's happened. He's gone. And I can't quit crying. I am hurting so bad, my heart is broken. Vincent Price wrote in his memoirs (when his dog Panda had been hit by a car and killed) "I buried him near a bush, and then I sat down on the ground and cried- for about an hour. My God how it hurts for a man to cry! Not from masculinity abused or from vanity or fear that someone will see you. It just plain hurts." It does. It's almost unbearable.
I'm not religious- I'm agnostic, and I've never heard any religious theories that seemed believable or convincing, but I'd love to believe that there is something after we die, and that Charlie went ahead and is waiting for me someplace, until we can hang out again. He's making the place you go after you die better for me. I don't know if I can believe that, but I'd like to.
I know that tomorrow I have to go back to work (I took today off), and tomorrow night will be here before I know it, and I'll look back and say "Wow- Charlie's been gone since yesterday morning". The same thing will happen next week- it'll be here in a flash, and I'll think "Damn-it's been a week already since we lost Charlie." I know that I'll still be sad; I'll still cry sometimes when something makes me think of him, and I'll still miss him. But after awhile it'll be a month, then a couple of months, and I'll still be sad, but I'll be better. I'll still think fondly and longingly of my beloved companion, and I still will miss him and get sad, and maybe even cry sometimes. But I'll be ok. The thing is, I don't want that to happen. I don't want to be ok. I don't want to move on from Charlie. I don't want to get used to living without him. Because life is going to have less love, and less joy from now on. He can never be replaced. I have a Charlie shaped hole in my heart that can never be replaced, and it will be there forever. I'll stop crying some day, but the hole will always be there, and I'll never forget you Charlie. I love and miss you so, so much. And I'm so, so sorry.
Monday, May 2nd, 2011
6:46 am
So it's the start of another birthday for me, and it's been a good weekend. I think this is going to be a good year.
Went to Texas Frightmare in Dallas like we did the past 2 years, but this year was a little more fun (last year had better guests, so I initially thought it would be better, but I think this year was a little better. Just a little better- last year was good too). We finally got the newest record out, a split with Gut Bucket from Rhode Island. 100 black vinyl and 100 green vinyl. Took forever to get them out! We sold them at our table- only sold 2, but didn't really expect to sell many at this.

This year there were a lot of very friendly celebrities there; the most friendly were Malcolm McDowell, the guy who played the doctor in The Human Centipede, and Robert England. He talked to everyone who got an autograph for a long time. On Saturday when I went down to the floor, I got to ride the elevator with him and talked to him a little. Saturday night the were sowing The Human Centipede with commentary at midnight, and before that a bunch of people dressed up (down?) as the centipede (including the guy who directed the movie Audition) and the guy who played the doctor danced around them yelling and pushed them in the swimming pool. Voltaire talked about his work, and showed some of his short films. And I went to the Malcolm McDowell Q & A.
We also did very well with the table this year. Better than last year or the year before. That was awesome! I saw my convention buddy Craig (who was in the band World Burns To Death) and gave him a 7". He said he was going to be bartending at Chaos In Tejas this year so if I get to go I'll probably see him there.
I didn't go to as many shows or events as I did the last 2 years, but it was all great.
Next year it's going to be at a different hotel- the Sheraton has been pretty cool, but you can tell the event has outgrown it, and each year it seems to get a little more ghetto (weird, I mean it's a Sheraton) and a little more expensive. So hopefully the one they use next year will be really awesome.
I also got to rent a car this year- a 2011 Hyundi, which is very cool.

Work has not been going good at all. I'm hoping it gets better, but I have doubts. We got a new district leader who's kind of a jerk. He fired the store manager (who's been with the company for 19 years) and some other people, and they told us that one of the assistant managers is going to be the new store manager. A lot of people don't like him, and he evidently doesn't like a lot of people. He's been coming down very hard on the people who he doesn't like (who are mostly the people who have been there the longest, for some reason). Slowly, they are quitting, one by one. About 7 people have quit, mostly older employees because of the atmosphere. I've heard from 2 people that he doesn't like me, but he liked me better than most of the other ones he's made quit so far, but there is just one more person on his list he likes less than me, and after she quits he's probably going to concentrate on me. We'll see. A lot of people are fighting back, trying to get him fired or moved, but it won't matter because we'll still have the district manager in charge of everything. It's just becoming a bad scene, and I don't know what to do. Jobs are scarce right now.

Everything else is about the same. Hope evrything is wonderful with everyone else...
Saturday, December 25th, 2010
11:30 pm
Oi! Christmas!
I got: MST3K box set 13, Black Christmas (the original) on dvd, an old school punk comp cd and Oi Polloi's Unite and Win album, Red Green's book How To Do Everything, a compendium of the old magazine Creepy (vol. 2) in a huge hardback book, Rifftrax presents Christmas Shorts dvd, a Renaissance Festival shirt, a Project Pitchfork cd I didn't have, a Haunt of Horror comic (Richard Corben doing Poe and Lovecraft stories), and a Roku.
We also went to see The Chronicals of Narnia- The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, which was my fav book of the series. I liked it better than the last movie they put out, but not as mcuh as the first one.
This was a good Christmas, which is nice since this past week has kind of sucked.
Hope all you guys had a good one!
Wednesday, December 1st, 2010
7:09 pm
Whoa- it's December already? Take it easy, time. You're getting away from me.

I got to go to the Renaissance Festival again last weekend (for it's last weekend this year), because one of Krystal's friend gave us 2 tickets. That was cool. It was the last day, and it was pretty crowded. I never usually go after Halloween; it gets dark so fast. I didn't realize how early it gets dark compared to just a month ago until the faire. That means we got to go 3 times this year. We saw a lot of people we knew this time (and evidently there were a lot of people there I knew who I didn't see). I finally bought a Tartanic cd (I always plan to do that and never actually do it), and watched the birds of prey show (I like that show, but missed it both the other 2 times we went this year). They had an owl there that they had rescued when it was a baby. They said they found it on the ground covered in fire ants, and they had stung it's eyes out. Isn't that horrible? But his eyes healed, and he was doing well, so there's a happy ending. Here's a pic of him:




Speaking of birds, we let the pigeon go on Sunday (before we went to Renfest). The bird specialist lady I talked to said that I had to let him go where I found him, because pigeons are very family oriented and you have to let them go back to their family). He stayed with us for awhile, then got a little more brave and flew up to the roof of the building. then he flew into some trees, which made some crows mad at him, so he flew off where I couldn't see him. I've gone back to check on him some, but I haven't seen him (once I thought I saw a pigeon that might be him- he's fairly small, and most of the pigeons around there are big and fat, but I wasn't sure). I hope he's ok.

For Thanksgiving, no one wanted to cook, so we went to the Cracker Barrel, which had a pretty good spread. I never like anyone's dressing much- I don't like crunchy chunks of things in my dressing and that's how most places make them, but the turkey was good (most restaurants use thin turkey, but Cracker Barrel had real carved turkey). They had a real good dessert pumpkin pie struesel. Then we went and saw the new Harry Potter movie, which i think is the best one in the series. It followed the book closer than any other, and didn't shy away from the grim stuff (only one person who dies in the book hasn't died in it, but they may be saving that for part 2. They didn't die in the spot they died in the book tho). The Hedwig part was better, too.

My car screwed up the day before Thanksgiving, which was horrible. It was an 'acceleration sensor', which is about 240 buck to fix. Something I didn't need, but could have been a lot worse I suppose.

Other than that not a lot else going on. Hope everyone else is having a good holiday season...
Friday, November 5th, 2010
3:59 pm
Neil Gaiman reviewed Stephen King's new book...
Sounds pretty good:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2010/nov/05/full-dark-stephen-king-review?CMP=twt_fd


Also, I was just eating a carrot, and I sneezed, and little pieces of carrot went everywhere.
Thought you'd like to know that.
Monday, November 1st, 2010
7:36 am
I'm having trouble typing, because there is a little Torti in my lap and she's biting my elbow. We got her a tiny witch hat to wear for Halloween, but she didn't like it at all.
Well, it's that time again- my mini vacation is over. I took off from Thursday to yesterday, but it's back to work tonight. My feet already hurt.

I slept a long time on Thursday, then got up and went to Rifftrax Presents The House On Haunted Hill at the Market Street Theater in The Woodlands. They did a live riffing of the movie (the original one, plus 2 oddball shorts), and it was pretty good. One friend I went with didn't like it at all (he didn't realize there was going to be riffing), but his brother loved it, and everyone else had a good time. After that I went to Bill's show at the radio station. He was doing his Halloween show this week, so I brought some classics by Bathory, Hallows Eve, Misfits, Mercyful Fate, Testament, etc. plus the new Autopsy (oh yeah!) to play. We sat and visited for a long time afterwards.
Didn't do too much Friday. Took it easy, then we went to the mall. Ate some Cajun chicken, sat in the book store and read awhile. Left at about 10 because I wanted to make it back in time to get one of those jack-o-lantern pizzas Papa Johns had, but they were closed. So just watched some Tales From the Crypt episodes then went to bed.
Saturday we went to Underworld's Halloween Party at #'s. First I drove around Westheimer awhile and looked at the Halloween pub crawlers. We also ate at Late Nite Pie again. I was trying to decide whether I wanted to go there or Star Pizza, and I kind of wish I had picked Star because Late Night Pie's pizza wasn't that good that night, and they kind of over cooked it.
Sunday (yesterday, tho it's still kind of today for me because I haven't been to sleep yet) we went to the Renaissance Festival again. I was really tired, but still had fun as usual. This year at both #'s and Renfest there were a lot of people dressed up in fairytale costumes- lots of witches and Red Riding Hoods and stuff like that. There were several candy corn witches this year. There was one guy at Renfest dressed like Pyramidhead. that was cool. We stayed till after the fireworks, and actually sat in the stadium this time so we could see better.
I did my Halloween winding down show (for Halloween night) on the radio last night. On the way to the station I drove down Westheimer again to see if there was any Halloween night life, but it was pretty much dead (this was at 1:30 AM). I was feeling a little down, not really ready to let Halloween season go. This was a pretty good month, even if it started bad. I had a lot of fun, with 2 trips to Renfest plus the zombie walk and the theater showing of Trick 'R Treat, and everything else. But I feel ok now. I guess doing the show got the last of it out of my system. We still have pictures to go through. Maybe I'll post some...
Sunday, October 31st, 2010
4:17 am
Just got back from Underworld's Monster Halloween party at #'s. It was a lot better attended than I thought it would be, with the Danzig show and all the other stuff going on. It was pretty cool. There was a girl dressed up like the deceased's social worker who killed herself in Beetlejuice. Most of the other costumes were average. The dj was ok, but I don't think he was having his best day. He sure played a lot of Suicide Commando. I enjoyed driving down Westheimer and looking at all the costumed pub crawlers before we went to #'s. It's funny- when they were kids they dressed up and walk up and down neighborhoods trick or treating. Now they dress up and walk up and down the bar strip drinking.

I have to get some rest, because we're going back to the Renaissance Festival today.

I've been posting a lot of music reviews here: http://community.livejournal.com/darkviews/ lately. I'm not the best reviewer, but I tell what it sounds like pretty well (possibly better than a lot of professional reviewers, who blather on endlessly and still don't tell you what it sounds like).

I think I'll watch The Creature From The Black Lagoon when I wake up and am getting ready for Renfest.

Has anyone tried those Papa John's Jack-O-Lantern pizzas?
Monday, October 25th, 2010
11:53 am
Well, things have been going ok lately. I've been a little worried about my car- the 'check engine' light came on a ew weeks ago, and I had the good people at AutoZone hook it up to the computer and give me a printout. But before I could think of what I might do, the light went off (it was on for about a week or more). So, either the problem fixed itself, or (more likely) it's stabalized and will come back on later.

Went to the Renaissance festival a couple of weeks ago on the 10th (the first weekend is half price) and had fun at that, as usual. We're going back this Sunday, for Halloween (as usual) and hopefully it'll be a lot better than last year.

Also went to the midnight showing of Trick 'R Treat, a movie which I quite liked (one of the best horror movies of the past 10 years, in my opinion). It was at River Oaks. There weren't many people there, but it was awesome to see on the big screen.

This past Saturday we went to the Houston zombie walk. There was around 700 zombies that showed up, with some really cool ones (some of my favs- a Red Green zombie, a pregnant woman with a zombie baby bursting out of her stomache, and a zombified annoying chic from Progressive insurance commercials). After that we went to Late Nite Pie and got one of their awesome pizzas with garlic butter. Made the mistake of ordering a medium, which is really a one-person sized pizza. Sunday I went and saw Let Me In, which was also really good. Very nice, lavish cinematography which evoked a good atmosphere (tho some of the special effects were kind of bad looking) , and showed vampirism in a more realistic way. Tho it is a romance of sorts, no Twilight bullshit here. Ate at a resteraunt called Cheddars afterwards, that I had never been to before. Surprisingly, it was really good and very reasonably priced- cheaper than Chili's or Applebees or places like that, but comparable foodwise.

This Thursday I hope to go see the showing of House On Haunted Hill (the original of course) at the Market Street theater in the Woodlands.

Still having major financial issues, but splurging a bit more than we should to keep sane. I wish the weather would cool down more again...
Monday, October 4th, 2010
6:45 am
Tho I am enjoying the weather, so far this month has fucking sucked...
That's all.
Tuesday, September 7th, 2010
3:31 am
Well, crap. What's new with you guys?
The main thing going on with me right now is this fighting of U of H buying out our awesome, eclectic nd underground radio station KTRu and turning it into a 24 hour a day classical music station. This station has one of the only 2 underground metal shows in Houston, plus tons of other great programming. It'll really suck if it gets closed down. Then we'd just have KPFT.
On a somewhat related note, it looks like the Angelika movie theatre is closing its doors, evidently due to their landlord not wanting them there any more. They're trying to find a new place; I hope they do. Also Fitzgeralds has been bought out. Luckily by someone who'll probably do something good with it (it's weird that it's been owned by the same person since the 70's and it just sold). I saw my first 'real' concert there (I say 'real' as in a concert I went to that I really wanted to see the band that's still music I like to listen to today): Suicidal Tendencies. So a lot of changes going on (the Black eyed Pea in Conroe just closed down as well- not a huge deal, except I'm sick of restauraunts I like to eat at closing down- Bennigans, Golden Corral, etc. Why don't they close some crappy restaurant I don't care about?).

I went and saw Piranha 3D yesterday, which was entertaining, in a not very good way. Some of the CGI was pretty bad, and I'm not sure what happened to one character- he just disappeared (or at least I didn't notice anything happen to him). I'm already sick of 3D, too.

Been going to #'s on Friday nights with Krystal to sell her art and stuff. Friday before last I was set upon by drunk lesbians, so I don't know when we'll go back.

When I saw Piranha 3D, the Humane Society had a bunch of dogs and a couple of cats outside trying to find them new homes. I asked them if they didn't have many cats because people have been adopting them from the shelter a lot, and she said no- they still had hundreds of cats. I told her I liked Torti's, and she said they have a ton of Torti's. I already have 4 cats plus one hanging around outside, so I can't have any more. Plus the pigeon. He's flying real good now, playing with the cats. He's been doing this funny dance lately.

You know what I need? More money.
Wednesday, July 21st, 2010
2:32 am
Today I took Krystal to the gynecologist. She hasn't been in several years, since she moved here from Canada (since she went for free there, where they have a real health care system; not the watered-down compromise between the two big parties who were fighting about it for so long (that would be the pharmacutical companies and the insurance companies- not sure who won, but I am sure most of us regular people lost) that we're going to be getting) in 2006. I sat in the waiting room with her and let me tell you about the dames! The place was lousy with them. They all looked grouchy, uncomfortable, hormonal, and mildly deranged, which made me a bit uneasy. There was only one other guy in there (who also looked slightly uneasy). But I got to do some reading, so that was ok.
The pigeon I took in awhile back can fly now. It still doesn't make pigeon noises- it just peeps and squeaks. It creally likes Krystal. It always flies to her and lands on her head, and tries to follow her around. It's cute. I read a little bit about pigeons, and they are supposed to be one of the most intelligent species of animal on the planet. They are one of only 6 species (including humans) who, when seeing their reflection in the mirror, realizes that it is them and not another pigeon. I'm thinking about teaching it to steal.
My hard drive on my computer screwed up recently, so I'm not doing much online, and a lot of stuff is falling behind. It's kind of driving me crazy. Stupid computer.
I'm very tired tonight but I wanted to write a little bit before I go to bed. But now I think I'm gone...
Sunday, July 4th, 2010
2:47 am
the idiots think i'm an idiot
I've seen several people mention the Texas Republicans platform for 2010, and how ridiculous it is. So as usual, I decided to read it myself to see how much exagerating is being done. Unfortunately (and unbelieveably), there is none. If you go and read it (it's here- http://www.texasgop.org/inner.asp?z=6 -scroll down to the bottom of the page), you'll find several things that you'll undoubtedly agree with (as I did- for example, they want to get rid of those damn red light cameras, as well as several other things). You'll also find a whole shit ton of insane bullshit and hypocritical/ contradictory blather. Here's my favorite line in it:
Judeo-Christian Nation – As America is a nation under God founded on Judeo-Christian principles, we affirm the constitutional right of all individuals to worship in the religion of their choice. Hahaha.

And I have to say I love how they are so opposed to taxes to help people out, except they want to use taxpayer money for parents to send their kids to expensive private Christian schools if they want to.

Anyway, here is an article my friend Dave sent me that hits most of the hot points in it (with a bit of uneccesary commentary that you can just ignore).

And while you're reading this, keep in mind that Houston has one of the largest gay/lesbian/ bisexual/transgender populations of any city in the world...

HOUSTON—The Republican Party of Texas has just released its 2010 Party Platform, and if anyone still hasn't figured out why that state—which gave us W., John Cornyn, Joe Barton, Jeb Hensarling, Ron Paul and Rick Perry—is so fucked up, the platform's a good primer.
Of course, one doesn't have to look further than page 1 to see how quickly the Party violates its own principles—notably, #9, "We believe in... [a] free enterprise society unencumbered by government interference or subsidies." We can probably skip over recommended First Amendment violations like, "Any form of desecration of the American Flag is an act of disregard for our nation and its people and penalties should be established for such," as well as "We call upon governmental entities to protect all symbols of our American heritage from being altered in any way," but we couldn't help but notice in the GOP's document a complete disregard for the "unenumerated... rights" established in the Ninth Amendment.
It's that disregard, as well as disregard for the "privileges and immunities" of the Fourteenth Amendment, that allows for the wholesale hostility towards gay and transgender rights, as found in the section "Strengthening Families, Protecting Life And Promoting Health."
"We support the definition of marriage as a God–ordained, legal and moral commitment only between a natural man and a natural woman, which is the foundational unit of a healthy society," the platform reads, "and we oppose the assault on marriage by judicial activists. We call on the President and Congress to take immediate action to defend the sanctity of marriage. We are resolute that Congress exercise authority under the United States Constitution, and pass legislation withholding jurisdiction from the Federal Courts in cases involving family law, especially any changes in the definition of marriage."
The section further calls for a constitutional amendment to define marriage as the religio-conservatives perceive it, and even opposes "civil union" type laws that would grant non-married partners—even hetero ones—the same legal rights as a spouse.
But of course, the platform goes even further: It would deny all rights to gays and transgendereds: "We affirm that this section is a response to the attacks on traditional family values," it reads. "These include well-funded, vigorous political and judicial attempts by powerful organizations and branches of the government to force acceptance, affirmation and normalization of homosexual behavior upon school children, parents, educational institutions, businesses, employees, government bodies and religious institutions and charities. These aggressive, intolerant efforts marginalize as bigots anyone who dissents." (Only because they are!)
"We believe that the practice of homosexuality tears at the fabric of society, contributes to the breakdown of the family unit, and leads to the spread of dangerous, communicable diseases," the section on "Homosexuality" reads. "Homosexual behavior is contrary to the fundamental, unchanging truths that have been ordained by God, recognized by our country’s founders, and shared by the majority of Texans. Homosexuality must not be presented as an acceptable 'alternative' lifestyle in our public education and policy, nor should 'family' be redefined to include homosexual 'couples.' We are opposed to any granting of special legal entitlements, refuse to recognize, or grant special privileges including, but not limited to: marriage between persons of the same sex (regardless of state of origin), custody of children by homosexuals, homosexual partner insurance or retirement benefits. We oppose any criminal or civil penalties against those who oppose homosexuality out of faith, conviction, or belief in traditional values." (Bye-bye, "Hate Crimes" legislation!)
However, "We deplore all discrimination." Ri-i-i-ght!
But gays aren't the only ones targeted under the misnomer of "strengthening families." The platform also opposes no-fault divorce laws, and if the Texans had their way, all marriages would be "covenant marriages," meaning that couples seeking divorce would have to undergo marriage counseling, and even if that failed, would have to stay married unless a highly restrictive set of circumstances were met. And of course, even within marriage, ass-fucking, blowjobs and pussy-licking would be (in the words of John Cleese) RIGHT OUT!, with the Party, which "oppose[s] the legalization of sodomy," seeking a federal law that would prevent the courts from adjudicating anything that has to do with the private sexual behavior rights affirmed in Lawrence v. Texas.
And of course, what hurts "families" more than porn?
"We urge our governmental bodies to enforce laws regarding all forms of pornography," another "plank" says. "We urge more stringent legislation to prohibit all pornography including virtual pornography and operation of sexually–oriented businesses. We oppose the sale of 'Not Rated' (NR) movies and video games to minors. ... We encourage state and federal governments to severely prosecute illegal dealers and manufacturers of addictive substances and pornography. We urge Congress to discourage export of such substances into our country. Faith based rehabilitation programs should be emphasized."
So... bye-bye adult book and video stores, strip clubs and possibly even home party novelty sales—and they also want to revoke the broadcast licenses of any radio or TV station that airs "programs and advertisements in violation of existing laws and FCC guidelines." But of course, they also oppose any version of the Fairness Doctrine.
As one might expect, for Texas Repugnicans, women are second-class citizens ... but fertilized eggs (aka zygotes), each less than one-millionth of an inch in diameter, are "unborn children" and "ha[ve] a fundamental right to life which cannot be infringed"—and certainly not by those women who carry them! (And by the way, if Texas ’Pugs had their way, Terri Schiavo would still be "alive" and vegetating.)
So, say goodbye to abortion at any stage of an embryo's development, whether for "gender selection," "the results of a genetic diagnosis" or, really, any reason whatsoever—and forget about RU-486 or the "morning after pill"; they're ag’in ’em: "We affirm our support for a Human Life Amendment to the Constitution and to make clear that the Fourteenth Amendment's protection applies to unborn children," the platform says. "We support the Life at Conception Act. We oppose the use of public revenues and/or facilities for abortion or abortion–related services. We support the elimination of public funding for organizations that advocate or support abortion. [Defunding Planned Parenthood is specified later.] We are resolute regarding the reversal of Roe v. Wade. We affirm our support for the appointment and election of judges at all levels of the judiciary who respect traditional family values and the sanctity of innocent human life. We insist that the U.S. Department of Justice needs to prosecute hospitals or abortion clinics for committing induced labor (live birth) abortion. We are opposed to genocide, euthanasia, and assisted suicide."
As a stopgap measure, the Party also supports forcing women to have sonograms done of their fetuses before an abortion is performed, and forcing minors to get parental consent for any medical care (including, of course, abortion). It also opposes forcing (as the city of Baltimore did) "crisis pregnancy centers" to make potential "clients" aware, through signage, that they can't get an abortion there, and that in fact the agency will do its best to dissuade the woman from having an abortion altogether.
But that's not all!
"Because of the personal and social pain caused by abortions, we call for the protection of both women and their unborn children from pressure for unwanted abortions," another "plank" says. "We commend the Texas Legislature for the passage of the Woman’s Right to Know Act, a law requiring abortion providers, prior to an abortion, to provide women full knowledge of the physical and psychological risks of abortion, the characteristics of the unborn child, and abortion alternatives." (So what if those "physical and psychological risks" are fictional, like "depression, grief, anxiety, lowered self-esteem, regret, suicidal thoughts and behavior, sexual dysfunction, avoidance of emotional attachment, flashbacks, and substance abuse," not to mention, "The risk [of developing breast cancer] may be higher if your first pregnancy is aborted"?)
And speaking of "a free enterprise society unencumbered by government interference," the Republicans want laws enacted that would deem a fetus to be an "equal victim in any crime"; would require doctors to medicate the fetus for "pain relief" before it's aborted; would require clinics where abortions are performed to follow the same health regulations as a hospital, and all of the practitioners to have medical malpractice insurance; and would allow everyone from doctors to nurses to med students to pharmacists to hospital janitors and bookkeepers to insurance companies to refuse to have anything to do with performing an abortion (or working with stem cells or assisting a patient to commit suicide) if they objected on the basis of "moral or religious beliefs."
The Grand Old (BP) Party also wants laws that would prohibit experimentation with fetal tissue; creating embryos for stem cell research; cloning anybody or any animal; altering human DNA for any reason; plus it wants to severely limit patients' ability to give "do not resuscitate" orders.
And of course, children also must be "protected," which means 1) raising the age for consensual sex to 18, thus guaranteeing a lot more statutory rape cases; 2) no distribution of condoms or other contraceptives to them by any state agency or public school (despite the fact that Texas has one of the highest rates of teen pregnancies in the nation); 3) no advice on how to get an abortion; 4) no gay adoption; 5) no contracts for surrogate child-bearing; 6) no sex education beyond telling them not to fuck until they're married, and no asking them (in surveys) about anything remotely sexual (or religious or political or drug-related or "moral") without their parents' permission; 7) no state regulations at all for private and parochial schools; and of course, 8) "Local, state, or federal laws, regulations, or policies shall not be enacted that limit parental rights in the rearing of both biological and adopted children... We urge the Legislature, Governor, Commissioner of Education and State Board of Education to remind administrators and school boards that corporal punishment is effective and legal in Texas. ... We support eliminating bureaucratic prohibitions on corporal discipline and home schooling in foster homes to help alleviate the shortage of foster parents." (Translation: "Go ahead and beat the hell out of ’em; it's God's way.")
And to make sure things keep going Right, er, right, the Party has a few ideas about church/state relations.
"We urge change of the Internal Revenue Code to allow a religious organization to address issues without fear of losing its tax-exempt status," the platform reads, apparently oblivious of the fact that clergy can already discuss issues; they just can't support particular candidates. "We call for repeal of requirements that religious organizations send government any personal information about their contributors"—which should be pretty easy, since the government doesn't currently require any such disclosure.
"We oppose any governmental action to restrict, prohibit, or remove public display of the Decalogue [Ten Commandments] or other religious symbols," another "plank" says. "We support adoption of the Pledge Protection Act. We also demand that the National Motto 'In God We Trust' and National Anthem be protected from legislative and judicial attack."
Even better, in line with Principle #7—"Having an educated population, with parents having the freedom of choice for the education of their children"—Texas Repugs are going out of their way to keep "America's future" (the kids) as ignorant as possible.
"We support school subjects with emphasis on Judeo-Christian principles (including the Ten Commandments) upon which America was founded and which form the basis of America’s legal, political and economic systems," the platform says, adding in another section, "Realizing that conflict and debate is a proven learning tool in classrooms, we support objective teaching and equal treatment of all sides of scientific theories, including evolution, Intelligent Design, global warming, political philosophies, and others. We believe theories of life origins and environmental theories should be taught as challengeable scientific theory subject to change as new data is produced, not scientific law. Teachers and students should be able to discuss the strengths and weaknesses of these theories openly and without fear of retribution or discrimination of any kind." [Emphasis in original]
In other words, despite the fact that there is no scientific basis for intelligent design—as those who followed the Kitzmiller v. Dover Area School District case in Pennsylvania know, it's just another crappy reworking of creationism—and that just about all reputable climate scientists affirm human-caused global climate change, the Party has once again put politics ahead of education, aided and abetted by the State Board of Education (SBOE), which the Pugnacious Ones have decreed "must have sole authority over all curricula content and state adoption of educational materials." [Emphasis in original]
Of course, those who've been following the activities of the Texas Freedom Network know how diligent the SBOE has been about excellence in education. New textbook standards adopted by the Board last month include downplaying slavery as a cause of the Civil War; a requirement to contrast Confederate President Jefferson Davis' inaugural address with Abraham Lincoln's; downplaying the significance of the secular 18th century "Age of Enlightenment" in helping to create, among other things, the American Revolution and similar challenges to monarchy; a revisionist look at Sen. Joseph McCarthy's anti-communist crusade and the House Un-American Activities Committee; denying Thomas Jefferson's call for separation of church and state and a dismissal of that concept's incorporation in the First Amendment; ditching study of American progressives like Susan B. Anthony, Upton Sinclair and W.E.B. DuBois because they "created a negative portrayal of America"; and adding discussion of the privatization/elimination of Social Security and Medicare to Social Studies courses, to name just a few.
And then, once again, there's religion: "We urge school administrators and officials to inform Texas school students specifically of their First Amendment rights to pray and engage in religious speech, individually or in groups, on school property without government interference. We support and strongly urge Congress to pass a Religious Freedom Amendment, which provides: 'Neither the United States nor any State shall prohibit student–sponsored prayer in public schools, nor compose any official student prayer or compel joining therein.'"
The Party also supports vouchers so parents can send their kids to religious schools on the taxpayer's dime(s)—but subtly, of course: "We encourage the Governor and the Texas Legislature to enact child-centered school funding options—which fund the student, not schools or districts—to allow maximum freedom of choice in public, private or parochial education for all children."
As far as ’Pugs are concerned, you can't have too much religion, so contrary to the statement in the Treaty of Tripoli ratified by the U.S. Senate in 1797, that "the Government of the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion," Texas conservatives nonetheless affirm that "America is a nation under God founded on Judeo-Christian principles," and that "public acknowledgement of God is undeniable in our history and is vital to our freedom, prosperity and strength."
On the other hand, the ’Pugs support concealed carrying of weapons so thoroughly that they "reject any monitoring of gun ownership" (bye-bye gun licenses!); support "stiff penalties" for anyone who files a "frivolous lawsuit" against gun manufacturers ("Guns don't kill people; people kill people"); and oppose "license revocations and denials" for firearms dealers who commit "largely inconsequential record-keeping errors" (like selling them to any warm body at gun shows without background checks).
Also part of the "grand plan" are: Abolition of the 16th Amendment and the IRS (to be replaced by a national sales tax); rejection of collective bargaining by unions; resignation from the United Nations; opposition to making workers' comp mandatory for all businesses; opposition to attorney fees when people (or those "abusive" class actions) sue the government, especially when such suits "suppress freedom of religion"; and opposition to RFID chipping of anybody.
See? They're not all bad!
Friday, June 18th, 2010
5:09 pm
1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the next 4-7 sentences on your LJ along with these instructions.
5. Don't you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest (unless it's too troublesome to reach and is really heavy. Then go back to step 1).

Oboy.
"Automatically she reached for her lightsaber, and then hesitated. Sword of the Jedi she might be, but tonight's mission would not necessitate fighting. She hoped."

No one can judge me!
Thursday, June 17th, 2010
3:00 pm
My friend had an extra ticket to Iron Maiden in San Antonio last Saturday, so I went with him. It envolved driving for 3 hours there (and 3 hours back), but it was great. I haven't seen them play in around 10 years, and they always put on a good show. I quite enjoyed it. And I was happy that it wasn't just a 'greatest hits' parade. They played 16 songs- 5 from the '80s, 1 from the '90s, 9 from their first oughts decade albums, and one from the new album that's coming out in August. Since I love the '80s and 00's albums, but don't like most of the '90s material (lets face it, most of the big, awesome '80s metal bands blew it in the '90s), that was perfect. And I didn't have to see them play "The Trooper" again (very sick of that song). They, of course, played "Iron Maiden", "The Number of the Beast", and "Hallowed Be Thy Name" (from the '80s) and "Fear of the Dark" (the one '90s song, which is luckily one I like a lot)- I've never heard of them playing a show where they didn't play these 4 songs (since those albums came out anyway). They also added "Wrathchild" into the set (they evidently didn't play it on the first show of the tour in Dallas, but added it in for Houston and San Antonio), and ended with "Running Free", which they havent played in ages. I don't have their last album (Matter of Life and Death) so I didn't know those songs, but they played a lot of great, newer ones I do know like "Passiondale", "The Wicker Man", and "No More Lies".

Speaking of '80s bands, Devo came out with their first album in 20 years, and had a cat listening party, where they played it several times to a bunch of cats. You can watch it (and listen to it) here: http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/7681532
Devo was so ahead of their time (their name comes from the term 'de-evolution', which no one really heard about much back then, but we're experiencing pretty strongly now), so I was interested in hearing what they're doing now. It's pretty much the same catchy, kinda offbeat geeky new wave they did back then but with a modern production (and so many bands have borrowed the sound that it can't really be considered offbeat anymore). I was never really too much into Devo, but I like this new one pretty well.

As I type this, there is a baby pigeon in a box beside me. It's got most of it's real feathers, but it can't fly, and it's leg might be hurt. I found it outside my work and brought it home. I tried to feed it bread and watermelon, but I haven't seen it eat (and can't tell if it did). It seems to be feeling better today than it did last night.

I'm looking forward to Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, but I don't know when it's coming out. I went and saw Splice, which looked like a Species rip-off, but wasn't really. I didn't have much interest in seeing it, but I had a coupon for a free movie ticket, and it was the thing that was out that I was most interested in. I liked the director's other movie I saw (Cube), so I checked it out. It was better than I thought it would be. I liked how it wasn't afraid to show some fucked up stuff. I also rented Shutter Island, which I also liked pretty well. It's kinda predictable, but fun.

Well,time for me to get ready for work. I was going to write some more, but I gotta go.
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